


I owe him

by DreamingIsAlwaysPossible



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, I'm Bad At Tagging, Lack of Communication, M/M, Mark Lee (NCT)-centric, Oops, Physical Abuse, Protective Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun, Protective Lee Taeyong, Protective Suh Youngho | Johnny, Sad Mark Lee (NCT), Self-Doubt, Warnings May Change, Why Did I Write This?, all of NCT 127 appear, but some just briefly, his boyfriend is a pushy bastard, that's the direction this is going in now, the title is a clue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-12
Updated: 2020-05-31
Packaged: 2021-02-26 11:47:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 12
Words: 29,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22683007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DreamingIsAlwaysPossible/pseuds/DreamingIsAlwaysPossible
Summary: Mark feels like he owes his boyfriend since they so rarely can actually meet up. That's where everything starts going downhill. His hyungs are unaware, but for how long will it stay that way? How much damage will be done before anyone intervenes?(Mark's boyfriend goes to far and his hyungs try to take care of him when they finally realise what's happened)
Relationships: Mark Lee (NCT)/Original Character(s)
Comments: 80
Kudos: 306
Collections: MiCha





	1. The Incident

**Author's Note:**

> Hey :)  
English isn't my first language and I don't have a beta, so if you see any errors feel free to tell me about it.  
Please tell me if you think I tagged anything wrong.

"Wait! Just, please wait a moment..." A broken moan is heard from above him. 

"No please Mark, please, can I move?" The pain obviously hasn't disappeared in these three milliseconds, but it isn't unbearable and the shock has subsided. 

"Okay, yeah fine" he manages to breathe out. Jaedong starts moving with a grunt. Mark could feel every thrust get uncomfortably harder. He closes his mouth as he feels the seams of the couch cushions digging into his back. Though he tries to keep his face neutrally blank, he can feel grimaces slip through. Not that it really matters since Jaedong has his face buried in Mark's neck. When he lifts his face to kiss Mark, his eyes are closed in bliss.

Uncomfortable. Mark feels uncomfortable, but he figures he owes his boyfriend this for putting up with his crazy schedule and the limited time they can meet up, so he bears it. Staring blankly at the white ceiling, he just waits for the end. The moment Jaedong is finished, he collapses next to Mark. He notices that Mark hasn't completed, but not that Mark isn't even that turned on anymore.

"Oh well, now we're even, you know, from before." The blowjob Mark hadn't asked for or even been that into. Mark can feel tears sting in his eyes and turns away. He just wants to get out of there. He jumps up from the couch and clumsily pulls on his trousers in some kind of acrobatic move before Jaedong can capture Mark in his arms.

His phone lies on the table standing next to the sofa and he quickly picks it up so he won't forget it and have to go back. He glances at the screen and pretends to read a text. "Sorry. I've got to run" he tries to put as much urgency as he can into his words despite how monotonous it sounds to his own ears. "Taeyong-hyung wrote that the managers says it's crucial we all get back to the dorms." He really hopes Jaedong won't question why they, in that case, hadn't contacted him before 2 am.

Jaedong half-pouts for a second. Then. "Pity, I thought you said we'd have more time." Jaedong rolls onto his back and puts an arm over his eyes. "Guess I’ll see you on your next free day then." 

Mark can feel his stomach sinking in embarrassment. He feels used. 

* * *

Mark feels nauseous. He can still smell Jaedong on him, mixed with the usual street smells, like the sewers on the backstreets and a whisper of spring flowers. Tears sting in his eyes in the icy wind. It’s a surreal feeling, going stumbling down the smooth road just to get away from his _boyfriend’s_ apartment. He knows he looks like a mess, even without seeing his red eyes and running nose in a window. His jacket is carelessly slung over his shoulders, only one arm properly inside. His phone clutched in one hand and the beanie he got from Jaehyun in the other. 

Jaehyun. Hyungs. He wants to be with hyungs now, get comforted by them. Though he can’t let them see him like this. He can’t go back to the dorm, they will know something is up. It’s not like anything happened that wasn’t his own fault. It was just Jaedong was so adamant and persuasive. 

Instead of going back and being more embarrassed, he walks around aimlessly to calm his breathing despite the risk he runs at being recognised. According to his phone it’s 2.15 am, so it’s not that many people out to run in to, anyway.

* * *

When he finally makes it back to the dorm, all the lights are out. He closes the heavy front door quietly. As lightly as possible, he slinks into his room to collect some clothes. The only thing he can imagine doing right now is take a shower. 

The water feels both burning and like a blessing after the chilly spring air. He scrubs himself thoroughly despite the ache he can still feel in his body. 

Back in the room he shares with Johnny, he accidentally knocks over his water bottle for practices, which is standing on his desk. He hears Johnny groan. Mark freezes. 

“Mark?” Johnny says sleepily.

“Sorry for waking you, hyung.” Mark feels pathetic when new tears well up after waking his roommate, even though he knows what the answer is going to be. 

“No, it’s fine… Are you okay? What time is it?” Johnny is waking up properly, heaving himself into a sitting position. 

“It’s just past 3 am... Nothing’s wrong. Go back to sleep hyung, we still have schedules tomorrow.” The words feel heavy in his mouth, but Mark just wants to crawl in to his bed and not get up until he has to. Preferably not even then. 

Johnny squints into the dark and mumbles a “Okay then, wanna cuddle?” already on the road back to sleep. Mark let some tears drop as he breathes carefully. He stutters a gentle “No, you should get some sleep, hyung,” voice on the edge of breaking. 

However, alone in his bed, all he can feel are the hands from scarcely an hour ago on him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first work I ever publish so any feedback is greatly appreciated.
> 
> Please tell me if your interested in me publishing the rest, most of it is already planned out but all input of ideas are welcome.
> 
> Stay safe friends. Remember you never owe anyone anything your not comfortable with <3


	2. The Mark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yey, this chapter is a bit longer than the last one :)

Morning rolls around and Mark feels like he has been hit by a truck and then dragged under water. The ache he feels in his body sadly confirms that it wasn’t just a bad dream. Someone knocks on his door again. 

“Mark, this is the last warning to get up or you’ll be late!” Doyoung reprimands him through the door. All Mark can do is continue to stare at the ceiling. A white ceiling. Okay, time to stare at his desk instead then. He doesn’t know for how much longer he lays there. Not long enough according to him, but apparently long enough for his hyungs to send someone to literally drag him out of bed. 

It’s rare but sometimes they all need some extra help to get up in the morning. Training and occasionally self-doubt can do that to anyone. 

This morning they sent Jaehyun. He is at least one of the kinder ones in the morning. Mostly. At least today. He sits down next to Mark when he sees Mark’s eyes are already open. 

“Are you awake enough to go out in to the kitchen yet?” He affectionately strokes Mark's arm. Mark flinhces at the touch and can’t look Jaehyun in the eye and misses Jaehyun’s concerned gaze. 

“Not really but it’s not like I have a choice.” He sighs and attempts to sit up. Mark can’t help but shrink at the uncomfortable feeling of sitting up. He purses his lips and hoist himself up and out of bed.

* * *

Everyone is already in the kitchen as Mark pulls himself through the door. He hears snickers but is too tired to bother with them right now. Dragging himself to the counter with the cooked breakfast. Preparing himself a plate he hears Donghyuck address him inquisitively. 

“Looks like someone got some action last night.” Mark spins to meet Donghyuck’s eyes and is met with a smirk. “Maybe even lost the v-card? Were you that lucky?”

All Mark once again can do is stare. How could they possibly know? 

“Johnny-hyung told us you got home around 3 am, and you certainly look like it. That wasn’t very smart Mark, we have things to do today, which you know. Fortunately for you it is in the evening and we have the day free.” Taeyong keeps talking but Mark halts and takes in the face of his hyungs and Donghyuck. They are all looking at him, staring at him. Not his eyes. No, lower. His neck… No!

Without considering the other in the room he just rushes out. He flings open the door to the bathroom and stares in the mirror. There, clear as day, is a hickey he had missed yesterday. It sits on the lower half of his neck on the left side. The night is coming back to him; Jaedong burying his head in Mark’s neck. 

He can feel a sob fighting its way up to his lips and slaps a hand over his mouth. Once again his eyes blur because of tears. Not able to hold himself up anymore he sinks down to the floor. Rubbing at his eyes to stop the tears he feels a warm hand on his shoulder. Head snapping up he sees Taeyong sitting next to him. Feeling the comfort he so craved yesterday within his grasp he can no longer hold the sobs in. 

Taeyong carefully embraces him sitting on the warm slightly damp bathroom floor. The others, still in the kitchen, can probably hear him but he can only focus on the thin but muscular arms around him that thankfully feels nothing like his boyfriend’s. 

“Shh, it’s okay Mark. Hyung’s got you.” A hand slowly strokes his shoulders. “It’s okay, you can let it all out.” 

* * *

Taeyong helped him back into his room and has gone to fetch him the breakfast he didn’t get a chance to eat. He insisted despite Mark protesting and saying he didn’t feel like eating, anyway. 

Now all he can do is sit and wait for Taeyong to get back. He knows what’s coming next. This was the reason he didn’t go to them. How can he talk to them about this? Firstly, is this whole situation is just embarrassing even without adding in how he has been reacting. Secondly, it’s not like he didn’t agree to everything that happened so he has no reason to be like this. 

A knock on his door stirs him from his thoughts. Taeyong sticks in his head. 

“I brought food and another worried hyung, if that’s okay?” Mark shrugs. They probably already talked about him in the kitchen, so even if they didn’t hear him, they all knew now how he’s been acting. 

Taeyong and Johnny step through the door and make themselves at home in the room. It’s not so hard for Johnny since he lives there too and Taeyong is the same level of easy-going in all of their rooms, which means he sits awkwardly at the, for the moment, only chair in the room. But when he speaks again, he projects a much more warm and welcome feeling. 

“Can you tell us what that was about, Mark?” The younger shakes his head as he examines the other two in the corner of his eye. Johnny has taken a seat on his own bed. 

“Would you be more comfortable with someone else?” They look at the obvious hickey. It’s clear they have their suspicions what this will be about. 

Mark clears his throat. “No, it’s fine, hyungs.” He looks up and tries to look composed, even though the leader saw him completely crumble a few minutes ago. “I’m sorry for worrying you. I just had a disagreement with Jaedong and was too tired to deal with it. I’ll try to rest some more until our schedule tonight and talk to him about it tomorrow.” 

Mark has no idea where all of this came from. It’s not an outright lie though, so he doesn’t add more to it. 

Taeyong and Johnny look a bit startled. He can see hesitant relief on their faces that maybe this wasn’t as bad as they had feared. “If you’re sure. You know you can always talk to us, right Mark-ah?” Johnny responds. 

Mark quickly nods. He can feel his hyungs reluctance as they stand up to leave him to rest. 

“Still try to eat something Mark. Someone will come and wake you a while before we have to leave so you can get ready, okay?” Taeyong strokes his nape. “I can help you put some makeup over this later if you want?” Taeyong fingers brush past the edge of the hickey. 

“Yeah, sounds good” Mark tries to say with a small smile. Taeyong looks at him then nods, pats his head and leaves through the door. 

“You want to be alone here?” Mark glance over at Johnny. He wouldn’t want to throw Johnny out of his own room. And despite how he feels, some company doesn’t sound too repulsive. “The offer to cuddle still stands,” he continues. 

Despite what Mark portray to the cameras, he isn’t totally against hugs and skinship. It just feels uncomfortable with all the cameras and the ways he knows the fans will try to take their interactions apart to analyse. That is an analysis he doesn’t need on the one thing that still feels real in this surreal world. He knows it was contracts that brought them all together, but they all really feels like his brothers now. 

Slowly, he nods. “Yeah, cuddling sounds good.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to add more to this chapter but this felt like a good place to take a break. 
> 
> Anyone special in NCT you want Mark to talk to first? Do they react good or bad?  
Maybe a confrontation with Jaedong? Is he apologetic or even more dismissive?  
Basically; do you want me to continue to drag Mark through this or is it time for the comfort? :P  
I've got some sort of plan but tell me if you have any wishes :) 
> 
> Kudos and comments make my year ^^


	3. The First Seed of Doubt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mark and Jaedong started dating this summer and now when the fall is approaching they are finally together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a sort of plot planned out but we're apparently taking the scenic route.

*********

Mark was smiling. His cheeks hurt but he didn’t care, he was happy today. He finally had a day off when his boyfriend didn’t have work. They had decided to meet up at the ice cream parlour they’ve met a few times this summer when they were only dating, before they decide they were together. 

It was the perfect day to have time off. The sun shone with the last warm sun rays before the fall would be officially in season. Still the air was fresh and refreshing compared to the air-conditioned gym. 

Spotting Jaedong with his dark hair but bright white jacket Mark picked up his pace down the street. “Hey!”

Jaedong turned around and shaded his eyes just like in a movie. Mark couldn’t help but admire the man he got to call his boyfriend. He had barely 3 seconds to take in Jaedong’s unstyled hair, his hanging earring and ripped dark jeans, before he was swept up in a strong embrace. 

“Hey love,” Jaedong greeted him softly in to his ear. They didn’t kiss and barely held hands in public, the few times they went out. Mainly because NCT did not need a scandal but also because they certainly didn’t need the extra stares from being two men. 

“I was thinking we order some ice cream and eat it on the way to my flat. Sounds like a plan?” Mark readily agreed. 

Most of the time they met up they went to Jaedong’s apartment since it gave them more privacy than the dorm. Not that they had gone very far in the, you know, sexual part of a relationship. Mark hadn’t had to many possibilities to date with being a trainee and then an idol. That Jaedong even put up with how little they could met up was a miracle to Mark. Sure, the other wasn’t happy about it, but he understood that Mark had his dream that he would give anything for. 

So anyway, he wanted to be a bit more comfortable before taking any big steps and Jaedong had only been understanding so far. He really was a gift Mark doubted he deserved but he would enjoy it as long as Jaedong liked him back.

*********

After talking and eating ice cream for the fifteen minute walk it was to the older’s apartment they were finally walking up the stair to the home on the fourth floor. Entering and closing the door Jaedong didn’t waste any time to crowd Mark against the counter separating the kitchen and the living room. Mark equally enthusiastic, kissed Jaedong and placed his hands on the other’s shoulders. After a few moments Mark had felt a hand slip inside his shirt and caressed his lower back. A quiver of excitement went through him and he broke the kiss and rested his forehead against his boyfriend’s, just breathing in the same air. 

“I’ve missed you” he uttered. He could almost feel Jaedong smile. 

“I’ve missed you too, baby.” Mark felt some heat rise on his neck. Baby was such a cliché term of endearment but there was something in knowing that he was wanted by someone who knew him that just made him weak in the best way. 

“C’mon” Taking Mark’s hand Jaedong led them over to the sofa. He pulled Mark down into his lap. Slowly kissing, Mark felt himself relax.

When the shirts disappeared he didn’t mind, he had nothing to be ashamed of, being a professional dancer had ensured that. Being twisted down on his back on the sofa though, did not feel as comfortable. He tried to sit up but Jaedong didn’t budge. 

“Hey, Jae” the mouth that was previously on his moved to his jaw and leisurely lower on his neck “Hey, don’t.” Mark pulled away his boyfriend’s head. “You can’t leave any marks! Okay?” Making eye contact with the other man he could see the dark eyes as they clear a bit. 

“Yeah, of course! I won’t” accompanied by a smile and a small peck on his lips. The small contact soon turned heated again and the other pressed Mark back down onto the sofa. No, Mark was no longer enjoying this. He tried to turn them over but felt his hands being pushed over his head. No longer able to contain himself he sat straight up, or would have, but his boyfriend happened to be in the way so it ended up being more of a tumble. Jaedong made a confused sound. 

“Stop. Right now.” Mark was surprised at how strong his own voice sounded. He felt all type of contact with the person in front of him leave. Jaedong sat back and watched him with now attentive eyes. 

“I’m sorry Markie. Are you self conscious? Because sweetheart you’ve got nothing to be worried about.” Briefly Mark wondered why that would be the thing his boyfriend assumed it was. 

“No I’m just not feeling it anymore, okay?” He tried to gauge the other man’s reaction. “Can we just stop for today and do something else?” The gentle answering smile he got eased the tension he hadn’t realised he had in his body. 

“Sure, want to start watching that series I was telling you about?” The excitement he saw on the other’s face was endearing. He watched as the older bounced down the length of the sofa to reach the remote as he answered that he would love to do that. 

Soon Mark found himself face down on his boyfriend’s chest and watching what was, according to his current pillow, the new up and coming series.

*********

He startled awake and saw the end credits rolling and heard the end of what was probably the end of a speech if he knew the other in anyway. 

“- so even if the production isn’t the best in this first season everything else makes up for that. Besides that is solved the following seasons since they get more funding with all the amazing ratings.” 

Mark felt terrible. Not only did he stop what they were… _ doing _ earlier but when his boyfriend was sweet and didn’t even mention it Mark fell asleep during their precious time together. He looked up and met two narrowed eyes. 

“Were you even listening to me at all?” Mark broke the eye contact. 

“I’m so sorry, Jae. It’s just, you know I haven’t been sleeping enough… Not that I’m trying to make up excuses! I’m so sorry” Mark’s eyes widened as he looked up again. This time he didn’t even catch a glimpse of those bronze eyes before he was being shoved away. He ended up sitting on the floor as the tornado stormed of the couch.

“Wow, what an unbelievable boyfriend you are!” The other threw his hands up and pushed a hand through his hair. “When we finally can spend time together, when we usually can’t because _ your _ schedule, you decide to fall fucking _ asleep_!” Mark tried to come up with a diplomatic way to say he didn’t choose to he just hadn’t been able to stay awake. He had been comfy and was running on the usual 5 hours of sleep since practice, once again, had run late the day before, but this time to give them a free day. 

“I’m sorry, love. I swear I’ll make it up to you somehow.” Mark was desperate. 

“How are you planning on doing that? You can, apparently, not stay awake when we hang out and you won’t even agree to anything remotely intimate” his boyfriend had spat back in his face. 

Too say Mark was shocked was an understatement. He knew what he did was far from all right but to have his hesitancy to go further thrown at him like he was just being difficult hurt. He had thought Jaedong understood his reasons. He just stood there numb. 

“Okay, that was out of line and for that I’m sorry Markie” He took a deep breath and continued. “But I really think you should go now.” Dejected and deflated like a punctured balloon Mark silently agreed. This was the first time he went home from Jaedong's feeling something gnawing in him and it was safe to say Mark didn’t fall asleep before Jaedong at his place ever again.

*********


	4. The Music Video

Warm and comfortable, that’s how Mark wakes up to voices talking. Someone is stroking his head. Surrounded by warmth and feeling rested for the first time in a while he isn’t too eager to move so he listens in to the people around him . 

“Johnny, you and Mark have to get up now if we’re gonna make it to the shoot in time.” The intruder says softly. 

“I know but look at him, he looks so good like this; calm. And he obviously needed some more sleep.” He hears Johnny answer and Mark feels a smile break out on his face. Giggling he opens his eyes and looks up at Johnny. 

“Are you saying I normally look bad and tired, hyung?” Johnny’s eyes widen slightly then he barks a laugh. “You were already awake, you little dummy?” He gently untangle himself from under Mark. “I’ve been needing to go to the bathroom for the last half an hour!” He calls as he darts out the door from the dimly lit room. 

Still giggling Mark turns to find Taeyong smiling softly at him. “Feeling better now, Mark?” 

“Yeah” Mark stretches out on the bed. The fluffy duvet surrounds him like clouds in heaven. Taeyong moves further into the room looking for something. “What are you searching for?” Mark peers at the leader from his horizontal position. 

“Where do you keep your makeup?” Taeyong asks standing above Mark’s desk. They all have some basic products in the dorm just in case they need it, like if they have to go directly to a public event and can’t get their makeup done beforehand or for v-lives. 

“Second drawer, in the blue box.” Said drawer is opened and a concealer is plucked out of the box. 

“I’m here to make good on my promise to help you cover up the mark.” Taeyong turns back and drops down on the bed next to Mark. Mark sits up and accepts the liquid dotted on his skin. 

“So in how long are we leaving?” Mark asks looking around for his phone and everything else he has to bring with him. 

“We have about an hour and there is food in the kitchen when you’re ready.” 

* * *

Being on set is a lot more stressful than usual. They are filming the last part of an upcoming music video outside. It is not going to be a long shoot unless the director suddenly decides that they need some film from nighttime as well. The goal is to capture the setting sun. 

It is the usual crew but with some additions. Even if this is a shoot for a music video they are in front of a lens constantly since they are shooting a behind the scenes. The motivation is that they never know when they could need it in the future and Mark doesn’t usually mind. Often times it’s even fun to have the extra crew there and all the material they can get today to release in the future could mean a possible free day. 

Everything isn’t as it usually is though and Mark feels exposed. There is no space for him to ground himself. Even if the footage obviously is going to be edited they still need a lot of it to choose from without the idols messing up parts of it. There is no room for slipping up. 

In front of the main camera he actually dances flawlessly. He’s charming and interacting with the others but he can feel a slight faintness in his chest, a light trembling in his hands. Though he tries to keep it from his mind and be professional the thought of talking to Jaedong about how he felt being more stifling than it had any right to be. It was his boyfriend of almost 8 months. 

The other members are not subtle about having had some sort of talk. Hyuck, for one, is giving him an uncommonly, and a for once not wanted, wide perimeter. His bandmates are some of the few people he completely trusts to not take advantage of him in any way. They’ve all heard the rumors in the industry. The space that Hyuck left is instantly filled with new people, people he don't know, who put him on edge. He doesn't have the energy to be on guard and filter those kind of people out today.

Halfway through when he gets a break from the main recording he excuses himself to the trailer toilets. Standing in the entry room with the faucets he tries to calm his speeding heart. The artificial light is bright since there are no windows. The floor looks like an all white puzzle. Instead of calming he ends up stifling a gas as the entrance door behind him is knocked open. The adrenaline jump starting his body is the reason he’s flying in to the stall on his right. 

Shocked at his own reaction and the energy pumping through him Mark collapses onto the toilet lid. Putting his head in his hands he hears the people who entered discuss if they need to up the light intensity and how much makeup is needed to make the boys not look like ghosts. Normal. Just working. Not asking too much from him. 

* * *

Finally feeling composed after taking most of his break to breath and try to understand why he was so shaky he was back out with the others. The rest had been shooting their personal parts and Mark’s went by just as smoothly. The trip back to the dorm he spends listening to music and staring out the window. What was he going to say to Jaedong?


	5. The Warmth of an Embrace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their first meeting after Mark fell asleep when visiting Jaedong's apartment while they were watching TV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is going places I didn't plan to but let's see what happens...  
I've updated the tags.

Head peeking out from behind the door Jaedong smiled like sunshine and not like they had had a, well, disagreement last time they had seen each other. It had barely been a week since. “Hi love, had a good day?” 

“Could have been worse, but I’m exhausted from training.” The younger shrugged of his fall coat. Jaedong hung it up on a hanger above the element for it to be warm when Mark had to leave, the temperatures had been dropping the last days. 

Giving Mark a peck on the lips the older commented. “Well my day just got a lot better from just seeing your face. Anything special you want to do? I was about to cook dinner if you want to give me a hand?” 

“Yeah, of course. What are you cooking?” They continued to chat as they walked into the kitchen and prepared the food. Mark ended up sitting at the table more than he was allowed to help, the other had insisted since Mark had been training the whole day. “Can’t have you falling asleep again” was said jokingly but with a biting edge barely visible in the eyes. 

“I’m still sorry about that, you know” Mark looked down at his fingers tightly clasped in his lap. 

“That’s okay, baby, I forgive you. I’m glad we can put that behind us.” Mark was grateful for that as well, it had been weighing on his mind. 

The rest of the evening passed in a bliss. Dinner turned out okay, Jaedong poked Mark and said they were lucky he had insisted on Mark sit out on most of the cooking. They watched the episode Mark had slumbered of to last time. He had to agree, it had potential if the set design and the visual designs got an upgrade. 

After three episodes they moved to the bedroom but Jaedong just hugged Mark closer and whispered a goodnight. When his breath on Mark’s neck told him his boyfriend was actually asleep Mark let himself succumb to the oblivion. The warmth of the other’s arms a comfort he had longed for. 

*********

Waking up to an empty bed when staying over at his boyfriend’s was not a regular occurrence but not a cause for concern. He rolled around in the much bigger bed than his own back at the dorm. Humming he brushed a hand through his hair and started looking for his glasses on the bedside table. 

“Yooo” an outdrawn breathy note “what’s cookin’?” he paddled into the kitchen.

“Fried egg with greens and rice” was the response he received. Jaedong sounded tired.

“Mm, that sounds lovely” Mark hugged the older around his waist and stood on his toes and rested his head on the shoulder that was just within reach. He watched as the food sputtered in the pans. 

“But I’m not sure you deserve any.” Okay, not tired, annoyed. Mark’s stomach feels like it drops below his feet. What could he possibly have done to piss Jae of this time? He had been sleeping and as far as he knew they were good last night. 

“Why not?” Mark faltered. Arms dropping as the other stepped out of his hold. 

As answer he gestured to the laptop open on the kitchen table. An article was visible as the open tab. It was the typical blurry photo from a phone taken by someone trying to be stealthy. The headline read _Rapper from NCT spotted on date_. In the picture it was clearly Mark wearing a facemask but the other person had been better at hiding their identity with face covered by both cap down over the face and a hood on top of that. 

Mark almost laughed. It was a photo taken of him and Johnny when they had been responsible for food and gotten takeout. They had been shut inside company buildings for days and had decided to go and get the food instead of ordering it to the dorm. 

“That’s just Johnny-hyung” he said and turned back to Jaedong expecting the other to understand how funny this situation was. The gaze he was met by is not a relieved one. 

“Okay, so?” Mark blinked. So? 

“Yeah, we were just out getting dinner for everyone.” 

“Really?” Jaedong raised an eyebrow, like he was expecting Mark to expand on his answer. 

Mark didn’t get what he wanted to hear and just stared back. “Yes, really.” 

Frustrated the older dragged a hand through his hair. “Just because it’s Johnny doesn’t mean it’s not a date.” 

Mark gawked at him. “What?” Did he not know what he had just said. Mark couldn’t keep in a desperate laugh. “I hope you do realise how ridiculous that accusation is! Me and hyung on a date?” Mark scoffed. Jaedong stared resolutely back. Mark’s smile slid of his face.

“Since the answer clearly isn’t as obvious to you it is a no, we were not on a date.” He said slowly. 

Instead of calming down, Jaedong slammed his hands down on the table next to them. “Don’t you lie to me!” he growled out. Mark had never seen him like this before but Mark being Mark, spontaneously let out a weak “woah, dude, calm down!” raised his open hands to which the other completely deflated, shoulders dropping. 

“I’m sorry but you spend so much more time with them than me, what am I supposed to think?” he sounded broken. 

“They’re, like, my colleagues and bandmates whom I live with, of course that results in me spending more time with them.” Mark’s eyes were wide open. “This isn’t news.” 

“Yeah I know. But it’s just I miss you.” the other looked up and met Mark’s eyes. “I see you on TV and in interviews and you are all so close. It’s hard not to get jealous.” 

“You don’t have to be jealous. They are like my brothers. None of them have _ that _ kind of interest in me.” He scrunched his nose at the thought and tried to comfort the taller man who looked so small, stretching a tentative hand towards him. “You could come over to hang out with them one day and get to know them yourself.”

Jaedong grasped his hand and said with a small voice “I’d still wish you’d keep some distance to them. I don’t like how people talk.” Mark had tried to not put too much thought into what outsiders thought of his friendships but it was a part of his job to know. He understood what Jaedong means, it’s just, the company also had their demands on how they all should be portrayed. Thankfully Mark was one of the people known to be more distant. He could work with that…

*********

It was still dark outside when Mark left the apartment. After the blow up they had a nice breakfast together before Mark had to leave again. The sun was rising and along with it the rest of the city. The chilly air woke him up but he knew he had another long day ahead of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my project to start writing more and not be a perfectionist about every sentence. I'm sorry if anyone feels like this is a bit all over the place.


	6. The Conversation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happens when Mark tries to talk to his boyfriend about "The Incident"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An extra warning for this chapter, it's the most "graphic" so far. No explicit sex but it's implied; Mark says he doesn't want to and Jaedong doesn't listen.

Mark didn’t have to figure out what he was going to say to Jaedong in the following three weeks since they were once again thrown into the spectacle that was called comeback and promoting. Waking up early to get ready and work until they collapsed into bed. There was no time for anything else. He loved it. Well, not the constant fatigue but the work and the music, this really was the dream. 

But standing in front of his the older man’s front door and not knowing what to say had not been the way Mark had hoped to approach this situation. However this was the first free time he had been granted in a while and he couldn’t start procrastinate this. And this was his boyfriend anyway, he should be able to talk to him about this and not have to plan everything out in advance. With that in mind he raised his trembling hand and knocked on the compact wooden door. 

After waiting for about a minute he started to think that maybe Jaedong wasn’t home despite it being 10 am on a Saturday and breathed a little easier. As far as he knew Jaedong only worked weekdays in the shop, but perhaps he had to fill in for someone? He was just about to turn and head back to the dorm when the door opened and faint music poured out. 

Standing with arms crossed and a relaxed face was his sweetheart. A small smile at the corner of his mouth. “Hey you. Long time no see.” Stepping back and opening his arms, he gestures for Mark to enter. 

Mark shuffles in through the door and hangs his thin spring jacket just inside the door. His hands are clammy and he tries to drag them across his jeans to lessen the distasteful feeling. 

They usually text or talk on the phone a lot when Mark doesn’t have time to meet up. Unlike previous times spent apart Mark had barely been able to make himself answer the messages these past weeks. Following the older further in to the apartment he’s glad to see Jaedong turn right in to the kitchen instead of the other way to the living room with the couch. 

Mark takes a seat at the table farthest from the door and closest to window. Sitting sideways on the chair he leans on the wall watching Jaedong clean up in the kitchen, probably from breakfast. 

After a sitting in silence for a while Mark tries to speak up. “Jae, I need to talk to you.” 

The other hums in response. “Can you come and sit down here? I don’t really know how to say this.” The older turns around with a small wrinkle on his forehead. Sliding in to the chair on the opposite side of the table he puts two coffee cups on the table. 

“Okay, I’m all ears.” He takes a sip from the cup. Mark cradles his own between his hands hoping to absorb some heat into his still cold hands. 

Looking down into the dark liquid he stammers out a “Sooo, it’s about last time I was here.” He glance up into his boyfriend’s eyes seeking comfort but isn’t sure that’s what he finds in the squinting blue eyes he can see over the mug so he moves his gaze around the room. 

Eyes wandering between the sparkling black counters, beige cupboards and white walls. He leans his chair back as he tries to find the words. “I’m just not really comfortable with what happened.” He can feel leaves from the green plants get stuck in his hair so he sit up right. 

“Okay, I hear you. But what is done is done. We can’t go back and change it.” 

“No, I know that. I just feel like you didn’t really listen me and were kind of insistent. I’m not sure I was actually ready to take it that far and we didn’t exactly talk about it before.” The blue eyes harden. 

“So what are you saying, Mark?” He carefully places his mug on the table. “I went too far? I took advantage of you? I forced you? Or what are you saying?” 

“Well, you kind of did. You said-” 

“You know, it doesn’t really matter what I said since you said you were okay. You didn’t complain last time and you can’t go changing your mind afterwards.” 

“No, that’s no-”

“It sure sounds like it.” Jaedong has now stood up. “Sounds to me like you’re making stuff up. I know you wanted it.” He paces around in the room. Mark feels insignificant. “How does your hyungs put up with you making false accusations?” The air leaves Mark’s lungs. 

“I don-” 

“Or maybe you just enjoy it more when they are the ones touching you?” He stands in front of Mark. “Is that why you haven’t been answering my texts as much?” He yanks Mark up by his collar. “Bet you’ve been preoccupied with them.” Mark stutters out no as he tries to put some distance between them but instead ends up with his back against the wall. 

“I bet you they would agree with me.” Mark strongly doubts it. “You are my boyfriend after all.” Well, yes bu- “And I’ve been putting up with your ridiculous schedule” he says as he kisses Mark’s neck despite Mark’s attempt to avoid the touch. 

“You owe me” No, just becau- 

“You owe me. Anyone would agree I’ve been patient.” The older man presses himself against Mark.    


“I’ve put up with your impossible rules. No touching outside. Nothing official. Barely meeting you.” Hands push under his shirt. Mark fights without gaining any space, the only result is his hands are pinned harshly against the wall above his head. 

“Please stop. I don’t want to!” 

“Instead I get you preoccupied with your hyungs. Leading them on like you do with me.” Mark tries to say that it’s not true.

“Oh? Don’t you hug them like me? Don’t you cuddle them, like you do me? How do you think that makes me feel? Knowing my man is other people’s beds?” Mark shrinks in on himself. He still doesn’t agree with what Jae is saying. He doesn’t lead anyone on? Right? They know he has a boyfriend, besides that’s how all of them act with one another. It’s futile to fight the other man so Mark resigns himself to this fate with tears in his eyes making all the lights in the room sparkle. 

His head hits the wall as the other kiss him intensely. He tries to get out when they move from the white wallpaper but is unceremoniously bent over the table for his efforts. He yelps when the two coffee mugs are knocked over in the commotion. Fortunately the coffee is closer to lukewarm now than burning hot as it seeps into his shirt and on his face pressed down on the table. Held in a firm grip all he can do is stare at the black counters as he tries to block out what is happening. 

He can feel a tear itch as it runs from his left eye across his nose bridge, just barely misses his other eye and down to his right temple connected to the hard surface he lays on. 

* * *

It’s not until they are laying on the bed, all fight having left him, with nausea the only thing he’s aware of, he allows the words repeatedly mumbled in to his hair to sink in to his conscious part of the brain. 

“I love you” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any feedback would be most welcome <3


	7. The Beauty of Dating

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Jaedong met 127.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hii, I’m back at the surface after a month of school trying to drown me, since we now study from home and they all panic, thinking we don’t have enough to do. Also, this was by far the hardest chapter to write yet, with so many characters included, since I wanted to do them justice. It also took me a some weeks to be able to look at this story and read through it again without cringing or feeling nauseous, but now I’m back! 
> 
> So a thing I realised is that it would probably have been a much better idea, and much clearer, if I had written all the chapters that are “memories”/things that happened before the first chapter in past tense. This chapter is now written in past tense and I’ve gone back and edited the other ones. Sorry about switching like this in the middle of writing. Hopefully I won’t make as many mistakes about which tense I use from now on… This is quite a long chapter (somehow this became over 3000 words??) so I have probably missed some things when I tried to edit it. Please let me know if there is anything too obvious I’ve missed <3
> 
> I know basically nothing about Korean culture and their social rules. I tried to look up as much as possible. I hope you’ll enjoy this :)

It was three months in to the relationship when Jaedong first met the members of 127. It had been a fight to keep his relationship away from the others, but he had wanted to see if it would float or sink before introducing his sometimes slightly overbearing hyungs. Mark had on multiple occasions insisted on being fine and for them to respect his need to have something that was only his. They had reluctantly agreed and had been inconspicuously suspicious the months since Mark and Jaedong’s first summer date. 

Mark had discreetly been trying to put some distance to the other members, especially on camera, as to not give Jaedong a reason to be jealous. It had been 2 wonderful weeks with lighter schedule and time to spend with his boyfriend. They had been to some of the last baseball games for the season and the Seouls Arts Center for a concert. They had also taken a walk in the Seoul Forest, with less people than usual scattered around due to it being the start of November and the time they had to go since Mark still has schedules to get to. Jaedong had even surprised Mark with having planned a date at Nagwon Instrument Arcade, a special market with over 200 stores specialised in music. Mark had felt like they were walking on clouds and decided it was time to introduce the members to Jaedong. 

Mark had thought it would be best to bring Jaedong to the dorms. Having all on NCT 127 out on the streets usually brought them quite a bit of attention, while at the dorms they could hang out if they wanted. 

At half past three in the afternoon Mark got a text from his boyfriend that he was on his way. Excitedly he swung his legs of the armrest of the armchair he’d been lounging in. They had been at dance practice the first half of the day and were now of to personal schedules, people drifted in and out of the dorm. He had talked to everyone who lived in the dorm about having Jaedong over and they had all been delighted and enthusiastic to finally meet him. 

When a knock on the front door was heard around the living room Yuta smirked as Mark flew past him sat on the sofa, out into the entrance hall. He heaved open the massive door to find Jaedong with his dark hair styled up in a quiff. He had a navy blue t-shirt and black ripped jeans and a coat thrown on top of it, not overdressed for the dorm but definitely dressed with intention. 

“Hi handsome” Mark blushed at the compliment, dressed in a t-shirt slightly too big and torn jeans. 

“You’re the one that’s dressed nice” he stammered out, waving Jaedong inside to close the door.

“Maybe, but you’re always handsome” he leaned in and pecked Mark’s lips and red cheeks. 

*****

After putting away his coat they moved in to the living room where Yuta was still seated. He rose and the two greeted each other as Mark shifted back and forth between his feet. 

Yuta sat back down on the first couch but had now put away his phone. Mark dragged Jaedong over to the other couch, which together with the first formed a V in the corner of the room, with a TV facing both couches. On the right side of the TV they could see the door that lead to the hallway. Having the TV between the door and couches perhaps wasn’t the smartest choice, it had almost been run down more times than they dared count, but no one had the energy to move everything in the room. 

“So you’re the one who’s charmed our little Markie” Yuta had a teasing glint in his eyes when he briefly looked at Mark before switching his attention back to Jaedong, who laughed lightly. Mark wondered for a second if maybe this wasn’t the brightest idea he has had. 

“Yeah, I guess so! But it’s more Mark that has charmed me than anything else” he sent a warm smile to Mark, who realised his near constant state the coming hours was going to be either red from embarrassment because of his hyungs or his boyfriend. So not his brightest idea then.

Despite the nerves Mark had felt about introducing his boyfriend it seemed like Yuta and Jaedong got along swimmingly. They were in the middle of discussing sports when Doyoung walked out of his room further down the hallway. 

“Yuta-hyung! Have you seen m-” He stopped just past the threshold. “Oh hi, I must have missed when our guest arrived,” looking at Mark and Jaedong sitting closely, Mark almost in the older’s lap, he added “but I assume you’re Mark’s boyfriend, Jaedong-ssi?” 

“The one and only! You must be Doyoung-ssi?” The dark haired singer nodded as Jaedong stood up and greeted each other before Doyoung turned back to Yuta, still scrutinising the guest out of the corner of his eye.

“Hyung, have you seen my trainers? I think the last time I saw them was in our room but I can’t seem to find them. I have a workout planned at the gym and I don’t want to be late.” Doyoung looked at Yuta crestfallen. 

Furrowing his brows Yuta looked of to the side, thinking. “I think they might have gotten kicked under my bed, by mistake.” Smiling he looked back at Dyoung and added “Come back and tell me if you still can’t find them and I’ll help you look.” 

Walking back to their room Doyoung threw a thank you over his shoulder. 

He had barely left the room before Haechan barged in through the front door in his training clothes. “I’m taking a shower” he declared “and them I’m challenging whoever is still in the living room or kitchen to some game, the challenged gets to choose!” Then he was gone from their sight. Barely a second passed before he emerged from his room on his way to the bathroom and he added “Unless it’s Taeyong-hyung!” The door slammed behind him. “I’m not letting him win again!” was the last thing they heard through the door. 

Yuta and Mark looked across the space between the couches at each other, they both blinked once. “Not me!” When Donghyuck was in a competitive mood one did not want to go up against him. 

“I guess that leaves me then?” Jaedong looked mildly amused. 

“Ehh…” Mark didn’t want to throw his boyfriend under the bus, but sacrificing himself wasn’t that appealing either. “You know what! You haven’t seen my room yet, come on!” He fled towards the door, counting on Jaedong to follow him. He heard the older laugh while the last thing he saw in the living room was Yuta, looking immensely betrayed. 

*****

The room Mark lived in was one of the double rooms, with his roommate being Johnny. The first half of the room one stepped in to was Johnny’s. Their two beds with bedside tables between stood with their headboards towards the left wall, making it possible to walk between the footside and the right wall to Mark’s half which had a window facing the street a few floors down. 

“Just letting you know Mark, I wouldn’t mind playing against Haechan” Jaedong said hugging Mark from behind, looking around the room. 

“Well, that’s good, because it’s probably going to happen sooner or later” Mark smiled, leaning back in to the embrace. The front door shut outside the room, most probably Doyoung leaving, considering the silence that followed. 

Letting Mark go and moving further in to the room Jaedong asked “So who is your roommate again?”

“Right now it’s Johnny-hyung, but we switch every now and then.” He took a seat on his own bed as Jaedong inspected the room. The older picked up Mark’s guitar and turned towards him. 

“Can you play me something? I just love hearing your voice.” Grabbing the guitar Mark played around with the strings a bit. 

“Any requests?” He nudged the other, sitting next to him on the bed, with his foot. 

“Not really, you just look so much more relaxed playing than any other time. Didn’t you say you listen a bit to John Mayer? Perhaps something from him?” Humming Mark tried to remember the way the song went. 

He started to pick the accompaniment “_ Young and full of running, tell me where is that taking me? Just a great figure eight, or a tiny infinity? _

_ Love is really nothing, but a dream that keeps waking me, for all of my trying, we still end up dying. How can it be?” _

Strumming the the strings for the chorus _ “Don't say a word, just come over and lie here with me. 'Cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see. _

_ I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe. There I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me” _

In his mind Mark could admit there was some truth to the lyrics. He really was scared that Jaedong will someday get tired of waiting for Mark when they are on tour. That he will move on from him and forget about him. There was few things Mark wouldn’t already do for the man sitting in front of him. He had fallen almost frighteningly fast. 

_ “So young and full of running, all the way to the edge of desire. Steady my breathing, silently screaming, I have to have you now. _

_ Wired and I'm tired, think I'll sleep in my clothes on the floor. Or maybe this mattress will spin on its axis, and find me on yours.” _

He played the chorus one more time and then let the song die out. He closed his eyes and felt the relaxed feeling wash over him. A warm hand lightly stroked his cheek. Opening his eyes he met Jaedong sparkling eyes. “Beautiful” 

*****

By the time they re-entered the living room they saw Yuta still sitting on the same couch they had left him on, but with a more grumpy look. On the other couch Jaehyun and Donghyuck were seated both absorbed in their match on their phones. “Markie! Why did you leave me?” Yuta fake pouted. “Hyuck wiped the floor with me. The only one I can trust here is Jaehyunnie, he saved me from a continued beating.” He stretched out over half the couch and upper half hanging over the armrest making grabby hands at Mark. 

Laughing lightly, almost giggling, Mark walked over to the couch and sat down next to him and patted the space on the other side of him for Jaedong to have a seat. Jaedong was just about to put an arm around Mark when Yuta beat him to it, he frowned while Yuta continued to berate Mark for leaving him at the mercy of Donghyuck. Mark, unaware of what had just transpired, still shrugged of Yuta’s arm, jokingly pushed Yuta away with a smile and leaned in to his boyfriend’s side. He smiled up at the older and is met with a peck on the lips. Yuta fake gagged. “Please, as happy as we are for you two, don’t corrupt our little Markie.” 

Mark rolled his eyes, but his neck felt a bit warm. “I think we made the right choice to hang out at your place” Mark addressed his boyfriend.

Yuta faked another shocked face “What are you implying, Mark? Are you saying your not our little innocent baby brother any more?”

Mark was saved from having to answer as Hyuck swore and threw his hands up exasperated while Jaehyun looked at ease and mildly amused by Donghyuck’s display. “That’s it! We are changing games now” the youngest in the room pointed a finger at his opponent “or I’m replacing you.” 

Jaehyun laughed. “Good luck with that, most people aren’t home yet and the ones that are have already fled once.” Hyuck looked annoyed. “But fine we can change game, doesn’t matter to me.” He raised an eyebrow at the youngest. Just as Hyuck was about to reply Jaedong spoke up. 

“If you don’t mind I could give it a shot?” Both males on the other couched whipped their heads around at the unknown voice. The next minutes were filled with an exited yelp from Donghyuck and greetings, introductions and mandatory first questions. In the conversation Mark missed half of what was said but ended up between Yuta and Jaehyun as Donghyuck challenged Jaedong and the seats were switched to accommodate the new situation. 

The two played as Yuta, Mark and Jaehyun spoke and somehow ended up on what foods they missed that was hard to come by in Korea. Time passed by quickly and more and more people came home. 

Taeil made them company and joined in on the game, Donghyuck snuggling close to him, while Jungwoo exchanged greetings with everyone and sat in his own armchair listening to something. Doyoung washed up after his workout and joined them, sitting on the floor with some book they hadn’t seen before, until asking Jaehyun and Yuta to help him with dinner. Jungwoo took the chance to snatch a place on the couch and cuddled up next to Mark, sharing an earbud with him. Second last home was Taeyong. He would probably had stayed out longer of they hadn’t decided to try to eat dinner all together that day. 

Mark decided to help set the table, since he was one of the last to be asked to help with actual cooking when the others remembered his track record. With perfect timing, Johnny arrived home when dinner was just ready. They all took their seats, dinner a surprisingly calm affair, everyone having used up their energy during the day. 

It was the usual warm atmosphere, despite the unusual addition. Nobody made a big deal about it until most of the food was gone. That was when Doyoung and Taeyong, who were seated across from Jaedong and Mark, turned some of their questions towards the two of them. Haechan, who was sitting on the edge of the table next to Mark and Doyoung, was listening in, while the other half of the table continued their own conversation. While the two older bandmates tried to not make it too obvious, it was clear to Mark they both had questions they needed answers to, even though Mark himself had already answered some of them before. After a while Donghuck piped in.

“Do you really have blue eyes?” He looked at the guest curiously. 

Taking the question in a stride Jaedong laughed lightly. “No, I have lenses. I actually need glasses so instead I choose that I wanted to have the type of lenses that change your eye colour, because this is much more fun. Next time I might buy a different colour, or without, we’ll see.”

To Mark the difference in Doyoung and Taeyong was quite clear. While they may have similar questions they have different perspectives. Doyoung seemed quite sceptic and with his guard up, still managing to be polite, while Taeyong are friendly and curious, trying to find out who this person they now had in their lives was.

*****

With dinner as a finished affair Taeil roped in Haechan and Jungwoo to help him clean up everything. The other moved back in to the living room. Jaedong sat at one edge of the sofa and when Mark sat next to him he got dragged closer so he sat leaning against his shoulder. He felt a bit of the redness from the start come back as he meets Jaehyun’s sparkling eyes and hears Johnny’s subdued laugh as they both sit themselves down next to the pair. Yuta, Taeyong and Doyoung occupied the sofa left. Conversation flowed easily while they heard some squabbling in the room they just left. 

It only takes a few minutes until Donghyuck, closely followed by Jungwoo, comes flying out of the kitchen and throwing themselves on the poor souls already sitting where they planned to land. Doyoung groaned loudly. “Why? Why? Ugh, can you stop doing that?” He pushed Donghyuck’s legs that were in his lap over to Taeyong, who was looking even more mashed, as he limped away to the armchair Taeil hadn’t already claimed. Yuta on the other hand had embraced Jungwoo gladly as the tall male sat squeezed between the crushed leader and the japanese man. Donghyuck was celebrating by wriggling around in the empty seat he managed to snatch until Taeyong lightly whacked his thigh to get him to sit still. 

“Why would we stop, hyung, when it clearly works” the youngest crow. 

*****

Time flies when you have fun and the clock was nearing midnight before they realized that tomorrow wouldn’t wait for them. They offered Jaedong to stay if he wanted to, since it was so late, but the guest excused himself saying he luckily lived nearby. 

Mark saw him out and could barely contain the happiness in himself that his boyfriend seemed to get along just fine with his brothers. Kissing him goodbye, and being left breathless because of it, he stays in the hallway a minute after closing the door before rejoining everyone else.

Standing in the doorway he was almost vibrating waiting for them to say anything, to confirm it went as good as he thinks it did. They all chatter quietly among themselves but he is met with Johnny’s and Jaehyun’s smiling faces, he sat back down with them. 

“So?” He feels his fingers fiddling as he met their gazes. 

“He seems really nice and like he really cares for you.” Johnny is the first one to speak up. “We could see how his eyes always drifted back to you, you know.” He smirks slightly. The others agree. Haechan was so happy with Jaedong, and that he had found a new person to play with. He was glad that the other actually was a challenge but wasn’t so good that he won every time, like _ some _ of the members, he pouted. Everyone was encouraged with the way the, up until today, stranger had taken care of the maknae, but still managing to gang up in the youngest with Doyoung, and there in winning a friend in member that was the same age as Jaedong. Jaedong had fit in with them all seamlessly. 

They really liked Jae.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song is Edge of Desire by John Mayer.
> 
> I feel like I don't even know what I've written but it's a new chapter...


	8. The Blame Game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aftermaths of The Conversation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay! So here's another 3000+ words chapter. Hope you like it!

The first thing Mark becomes aware of is the light that has woke him up. Opening his eyes, he sees that, despite the window having its blinds drawn closed, some light seep through and brighten up the room warmly. The more he awakens, the more his sore body is making itself known. He lies completely still and tries to orientate himself. 

He’s still at his boyfriend’s house, in his boyfriends bed, where they ended up after… after they had sex for the second time. He can feel his skin itching. His body feels twisted. He can see that his body is laying on its left side but it feels as if his feet are put on backwards, like his arms has switched sides and his face is dragged out. Absorbing the strange feeling he tries to move his legs to see if they still follow his command. They do, and at the same time that he bends his knees towards his chest it’s like nerve in his body is sapped back in to place. 

Now knowing how to get rid of the strange sensation he drags his hands up to his face, scrubbing at it whilst grimacing. It helps a bit in getting rid of the tear tracks that mark his face. Starting to feel a bit better his breath stops short when an arm is suddenly flung over his chest and he is rudely reminded of the person lying behind him. 

Regardless of what happened a few weeks ago, this time Mark know Jaedong had gone too far. Trying to get his body to cooperate Mark has made his mind up, he’s walking straight out of here and not coming back. 

The arm around him tightens as he tries to wriggle free and closer to the edge. 

“Baby, where are you going?” is mumbled somewhere above him. Instead of answering he just squirms more forcefully. “Baby?” Sitting up he’s almost of the mattress. Just as the air gets a little easier to breathe he’s pushed back down on his back. 

“Le- let go of me! Get off me!” he stutters out forcefully. Sitting on his knees next to Mark’s torso with his hands on Mark’s shoulders the older is frowning. He tilts his head. 

“Not unless you tell me where you were going.” 

Not wanting a confrontation in this exposed situation Mark declares “The bathroom” and hopes that it will give him a free pass. 

“Why didn’t you just say that then, let me help you.” Even though the blue eyes are smiling at him he can clearly see in them that they both know that was not Mark’s plan from the beginning. 

Slowly moving his leg over Mark’s stomach, knee gracing the skin, he holds Mark’s gaze in an iron grip. Mark’s heart stumbles slightly and, as many times before in Jaedong company, he freezes. The bed dips where Jaedong places his knee but Mark hardly notices it, more focused on the tight feeling in and on his chest. After what feels like an eternity Jaedong smoothly leans down and pecks Mark’s lips and then just as fluidly swings his other leg off Mark and stands up. He stretches a hand out for the younger still on the bed. 

“C’mon, we don’t have all day” Mark scrambles off the bed on his own but, instead of leaving him alone, the arm wraps around him, a hand gripping his waist. What could be meant and seen as comforting feels stifling and controlling. He don’t have the energy to push it away. He’s not entirely sure his legs would keep him up if he did. 

The bathroom tiles are cold against his bare feet. The mint in the toothpaste is icy and refreshing against his lips, calming his nausea. At first the intense light from the spotlights was blinding in the white bathroom before his eyes adjust to the light and he can see his own eyes are staring back at him through the mirror, one hand braced on the sink.

He meet Jaedong’s eyes as the other look up, done with taking out his contacts. The brown much warmer eyes he so rarely see nowadays is a nice change and Mark felt himself relax, if only minutely. Not wanting to make himself even more vulnerable and take of his shirt, that never left him, and the boxers, which he put on by taking a detour past the kitchen to pick them up, he decides he will shower when he gets back to the dorm. He remembers the last time he had run directly home, and how his underwear and pants had to go straight to the laundry basket, but it’s worth it. 

Jaedong, on the other hand, has other plans. Having stripped himself he turns his attention to Mark. But he hasn’t more than taken hold of the hem of the shirt before Mark takes ahold of his hands. “No, it’s fine, I’ll just shower at home.”

The frown is back on his boyfriend’s face, but this time with a mix of concern. “But Mark, you must feel disgusting?” Mark almost sobs. “Just take a shower, it’ll make you feel better, love.” Mark stubbornly shakes his head, knuckles white from his cramped hold on the shirt. 

“No, no, really it’s fine!” desperation laces his voice. 

Jaedong raises his hands up slowly. “Okay, or you could just shower after me if that makes you more comfortable, even though it’s nothing I haven’t seen before.” He shakes his head like he doesn’t get what Marks playing at. 

Mark sinks down on the closed toilet lid. Zoning out he’s only aware of the rising humidity in the room. He can’t explain why he’s not running out of the apartment screaming his head of, why he’s not calling any of his hyungs to pick him up, or why he’s not confronting his boyfriend about it. But it feels almost unreal, like pretending everything is as before is the best way to go about it. Isn’t that what Jaedong is doing? Is he even aware of Mark’s inner turmoil? Does he not care? Is Mark overreacting? He can’t be, right? He’s entitled to his feelings and the reactions he’s _ supposed _ to have. What is wrong with him? Why isn’t he doing anything? Would anyone believe him if he told them? Does it really count? They are together after all. 

“Can you shower yourself or do you need me to help you?” the question startles him out of his head. He manages to convey that he’ll be fine as an answer to the raised eyebrow and is left alone. Feeling like he’s walking through water already he locks the door and takes a deep breath to stop his trembling hands. He could barely handle even the thought of Jaedong being so close to his exposed skin.

The shower that follows is one of the quickest in Mark’s life, and that’s saying something considering the amount of people he has had to share with in his life. He’s hyper aware that the only thing between him and his current nightmare is one lock door and feels suffocatingly vulnerable. He’ll take three more thorough showers at home later.

* * *

After his shower that passed with no hiccups, other than him accidentally using the conditioner as shower shower gel in his haste and therefore taking longer than he wished to, he faces a new dilemma. Clothes. 

He has his now soiled and used clothes or the alternative to go out and borrow new clean ones. 

No way he’s walking out of this room without clothes on. On the other hand, his clothes wasn’t much of a defence _ yesterday _ either. 

A knock sounds on the door. Mark, balancing on one foot trying put in his last foot in his come stained boxers, jumps out of his skin, resulting in him almost falling over on the slippery floor. 

“Yes?” he croaks out. 

“I just brought some of my clothes that you can use. I’ll be in the kitchen when you’re done.” Mark waits until he actually hears the steps fade away before unlocking and scooping up the fabrics. Dressing himself in the, on him, slightly baggy jeans and enormous sweater that Jaedong let him use, he wonders if he could perhaps possibly make it past the kitchen unnoticed and leave. Thinking about it more he snorts. As strange as it would look with him sneaking out of the apartment in the owner’s clothes his chances of getting that far are slim at best. 

It’s a small mercy that the clothes cover as much as they do when he steps out into the hallway, with the front door across from him and the opening to the kitchen halfway between on the left side. Reluctantly making his way down towards both doors. 

As soon as he is next to the kitchen he realises it doesn’t matter what he would have done. Because there is Jaedong, with the perfect view out in to the living room, as he prepares the last parts of what smells like breakfast. 

“Perfect timing, love.” Mark feels himself walking towards Jaedong, as if compelled. The other meets him halfway from the threshold, an arm sneaks around his midriff. “Come sit down and eat something.” Mark’s stomach aches with how empty it feels but he can’t phantom consuming anything substantial and keeping it down. He sinks down on one of the wooden chairs. 

As they sit at the table and Jaedong eats, he mentions off hand that no one else would put up with as many of Mark’s rules as he has. Mark comes up empty when he tries to think of something to dispute the statement with. Sure, he may have some peculiar requests, but that’s because he’s a idol trying to date. Date a man! That would not go over well with the public, as far as he can imagine. 

“Just as you have expectations on this relationship, so have I. And I’m just doing what I need to put up with you, you know.” Mark jerk as he’s been hit, because that’s what it feels like. Put up with him? Is that how his… the other think about this relationship? 

“Besides, it’s what’s expected of you as my boyfriend. Just as it’s expected from you to perform the best as an idol.” Something about what he said felt kind of funny, but he did have a point. There were expectations in every part of his life and he was new to this whole thing with relationships. 

Mark still hasn’t said a word since he sat down. He looks down at the table, avoiding his plate at all cost. At the edge of the table there is a newspaper. From the date he can see it’s from a few weeks back. 

“You went too far.” They both look up at each other and it takes a second for Mark to realise it was he who just talked. 

“Aish, come on, Mark. It was you who riled me up with your accusations. Sure, I was a bit rough with you, but you’re overreacting. I know you liked it, you couldn’t hide that. We can take it slower next time if you like that more.“ 

Next time? Mark did not want to think about a next time. He’d rather jump in to the Han river in the middle of the winter. Something must have shown on his face. 

“Are you really going to throw away a almost year long relationship over a simple misunderstanding?” 

Mark looks down at the paper again, just to get away from his piercing gaze. Jaedong follows his line of sight and picks up the paper. He spits out “Funny you’re paying more attention to this old paper than me when I’m talking to you.” He snatches it up. “Let’s see if there is anything interesting in here then.” 

A slow smile stretches across his now eerily calm face. “Oh, but would you look at that.” He unfolds the paper and place it down on the open space on the table. “What a coincidence!” 

His curling corner of his mouth tells Mark it’s anything but. “It’s one of your colleagues.” Mark goes stiff. He knows exactly what story was circulating about a certain SM artist a few weeks ago. 

Apparently said idol had been dating for over two years when they, because of undisclosed reasons, broke it of. As some type of revenge the ex had released a whole exclusive interview about what it was like to date the idol, while not painting the prettiest picture. SM, of course, had released a statement saying these individuals had never been dating, but merely friends. There were photos of the couple out in public, which confirmed that they did indeed know each other. That had been all it took for fans to debate for weeks on end the nature of the relation. It was moments like that one was grateful if they had been careful from the start about which parts of the relationship was documented, or if the ex had any kind of good morals. The storm had weathered for longer than a scandal normally would do and SM had decided to put the whole group on an indefinite hiatus. 

“It’s detestable, wouldn’t you agree? Betraying somebody like that. Ruining their life.” Moving over to sit next to Mark and placing a gentle hand on his neck. “Just now that I would never do something like _ that _ to a person I’m _ in _ a relationship with.” The underlying message was deafeningly clear. A shiver went down his spine. He felt guilty for not seeing what person he had brought close to his band mates earlier. How had he wound up here? In a relationship he didn’t want anymore but to afraid of the repercussions to leave?

Dropping the subject so quickly Mark almost got a concussion, from the wall he didn’t manage to avoid when the conversation took a turn, Jaedong turns his his attention to Mark’s plate. 

“You’ve barely touched your food. That’s not good, let’s get some energy back in to you.” Mark shakes his head. He doesn’t want it. 

Jaedong’s voice gets almost imperceptibly more steely. “Mark, don’t be a baby. I know I call you that, but I don’t actually want you to act like one.” Mark knows it would probably just be easier to get along with what Jaedong is telling him, he’d be out of here faster, but he doesn’t want this fake comfort from someone who has hurt him worse than anyone before. 

“Do as I say.” There is a light whack on his thigh. It doesn’t exactly hurt but the eyes he meets says cooperate, or else. Not feeling like finding out where the limit is, not today, Mark reluctantly eats the food in front of him when prompted. He feels like a puppet following the one who pulls the strings, not making room for his own emotions, because that is not the way to get out of here.

* * *

He feels uncomfortable the whole walk home, for more reasons than one. His skin is tingling but his mind is numb, just running over the last 12 hours again and again. Did he do something wrong? Perhaps he did provoke his boyfriend? Was he really that hard to deal with? Additionally his body feels sore, but it’s a good preparation for having to train in the state he’s in… 

Training! 

What time is it? He rushes the last distance to the dorm.

When he gets there he sees that the time is almost ten o’clock, practice started a while ago. And nobody had cared to find out where he was? That feels just as devastating as anything else. Well he couldn’t blame them, what a bad colleague he was, not showing up on time! 

Or perhaps not at all, since his legs decide to give out, leaving him sprawled on the hallway floor. He feels lightheaded. He’s not getting enough air. Would they kick him out? They wouldn’t do that right? 

Vaguely Mark realises that he’s spiralling but at the moment there isn’t much he can get himself to do about it. The room feels like it’s spinning, a minor blessing being that he’s already on the floor. He feels too much at the same time. All the touches from the last hours come back as the silence of the home leaves him without distractions. Hands on his wrists, hands under his shirt, up his legs, he shudders. It won’t leave him alone. The sounds of skin on skin, breaths and moans close to his neck. Curling up, he really just wants to keep moving and occupied, work until he’s too tired to think. His hyungs would tell him that is not a healthy mindset, but what about this situation is healthy or okay? 

He can’t have been lying there for more than a few minutes. He’s still stressed out of his mind but has manages to get enough energy together to at least start contemplating moving and change his clothes, get away from the scent of the clothes’ owner. 

The handle on the front door is pressed down. Feeling the adrenaline starting to pump through him he sits upright too fast. The door opens.   
  
“Hello? Mark? You home? You must have forgotten to lo-” Finally looking down on the floor as he enters are Jaehyun. He sees Mark sitting in the middle of the room in too big clothes, flushed cheeks and tear tracks down his face. 

“Mark? Are you okay?” He hurries to his younger brother. His worry picks up when he hears Mark’s shallow breaths. “Hey, hey. It’s okay, it’s just me. What happened?” 

Reaching for Mark, crouched in front of him. Shaking both his head and hands Mark tries to avert the comforting gesture. Not wanting anyone near him, even if he knows his hyung would never hurt him. But Mark can’t risk provoking something out of his sweet and caring brother. Perhaps Jaehyun will be annoyed he rejected him just now. 

“Shhh, it’s fine, Mark, I won’t touch you then, but can you tell if you’re hurt anywhere?” He nods, then shakes his head, confusion clouding his mind. Is he hurt? He’s not bleeding anywhere as far as he know. He’s not physically hurt, just violated. Or something. Right? Does that count as hurt? He settles on shrugging his shoulder and pulling his legs up to his chest, crossing his ankles. 

“Okay, can you stand up so we can move you somewhere more comfortable?” 

“Yeah, okay.” Uncurling himself he braces a hand on the floor and the other on the wall. His legs are shaking as they move in to the sofas in the living room. He can feel himself starting to come down from the initial shock, body slowly giving way to exhaustion. 

“I’m going to call Taeyong, is that okay?” Jaehyun is sitting hunched in front of him, talking calmly to him. Mark starts to protest. 

“No, don’t. I don’t want to- I don’t want to disturb the practice more than I already have.” Now it’s not just him not showing up, but he’s holding Jaehyun back here with him. 

“Mark-yah, you’re a higher priority then practice, you know that right? They would want to know something’s wrong.” Not waiting longer for an answer Jaehyun stands up. Taking a few steps away, as to not loom over Mark sitting on the couch, he pulls out his phone. Mark, taking this as if he’s leaving grabs his arm. 

“Don’t leave me, hyung!” Jaehyun meets Mark’s wide eyes. Shushing him quietly he sits down next to him. 

“I’m not going anywhere. I’m just going to make a call.” Mark relaxes in to the comfortable couch. 

“Hey, Tae-hyung. You know how I was going back home to get-” Mark, having gotten just a few fitful hours of sleep last night, suddenly feels how heavy his eyes are. Jaehyun feels safe, his hyung are with him, he could just take a short nap while they wait, right? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know your thoughts on this <3


	9. The Secret of Old

Mark couldn’t say that he always had known he was different, like some people that just knew from the moment they were born. In fact, he had only come to terms with it a little over a year before meeting Jaedong. 

It had all started around two years before that, but it would have taken much more than that for him to accept it if it hadn’t been for some of the members. They had helped him immensely to come to terms with himself since they, despite the shock or confusion some of the members expressed initially, had mostly accepted him and not made a big deal of it after the shake up had settled down. 

Still, it wasn’t a subject they talked about regularly. Mark didn’t want to make them uncomfortable by bringing up the subject of him being… well, not straight, when none of them did. Perhaps that wasn’t the best reasoning, for all he knew it was probably that they didn’t want to force anything out of him, but he himself was uncomfortable with the topic as it was anyways, so he would not be the one to bring up the issue.

Maybe it had something to do with being raised a Christian and now living in the Korean society, none of the two really known for being open-minded. At home, growing up, he had never heard anything that now would make him think they wouldn’t welcome him back with open arms but there was still that air of suspense around the thought of telling his family. Since he didn’t live with them he had never really had to confront the matter head on.

*****

The first one to find out had been Johnny. He had been incredibly helpful and supportive, even when Mark hadn’t known he had needed it. Johnny had been the one to ask if anything was wrong, noticing that Mark didn’t sleep well and was working himself harder than usual. Mark had tried to avoid the discussion he was afraid would ruin his life as he knew it, but Johnny had always been one Mark had felt he could confide in. He also knew Johnny probably had a more open view on sexuality, being raised in the US, and he had reluctantly told him everything. 

During their first conversation Mark had only managed to get out that maybe, coincidentally, it seemed like perhaps he was fond of another idol they frequently ran in to, after taking three detours with other stories and a few pauses in between. In his hazy state of alarm he hadn’t noticed how he, perhaps unconsciously, hadn’t even once mention any clue to Johnny that indicated it was a boy and not a girl idol he was talking about. 

Johnny hadn’t laughed at him, seeing how stressed Mark had been, but instead said that it wasn’t anything strange with getting a crush. He asked if he had met her. Mark had rubbed his hand up and down his thighs to get rid of some anxiety and hand sweat and forced out a “Not a girl” while getting familiar with how his hyung’s shoulder looked.

Johnny uttered a noise of understanding and didn’t falter for more than half a beat before asking if he had met him. 

As roommates Mark had expected it to be a bit weird at first, but nothing had really changed. If anything it only seemed like Johnny found it even more fun to tease Mark, because of his reactions, than before. For that Mark would always be eternally grateful. For the acceptance, not the teasing. That he could have lived without. 

Especially the exhilarating and dizzying nervousness he felt every time Johnny would make a discrete signal about somebody good looking out in the open, nothing anyone else would think about, but that left Mark feeling like Johnny had announced it on live television. Johnny had been doing it more frequently at the beginning, when trying to figure out Mark’s type, if he had one, but had toned it down before it became a too persistent habit.

*****

Yuta had never been a difficult person to talk to. After figuring some stuff out with Johnny’s help, and being showered in reassurance, Yuta had naturally been the next person to talk to. Mark had few doubts that Yuta would react anything different than Johnny, as he was one of the more outspokenly open minded people in their vicinity. That, however, hadn’t stopped him from experiencing shaking hands and knees when walking over to Yuta’s room to hang out like they normally would. 

This time talking about it would be quite different. Firstly because Mark had to be the one to bring it up. But also because it was a little more thought through. 

For some reason it felt important to him that his bandmates knew. He needed to talk to someone and they were his safest, his only choice really, out of all the people that surrounded him. They had no reason to judge him, unlike the company and any managers he could have talked to. Despite how supportive the adults around them could perhaps have been, but he doubted it, he had no way of knowing for sure if they transferred the information higher up. His members would know better than to let his secret slip, to the company or to the public.

Yuta was just as affectionate with him as he usually was but Mark had a even more difficult time reciprocating it than normal. What if his hyung became awkward around him, but wouldn’t want to say anything as to not hurt Mark? 

Sitting up from where they had been watching a movie on a laptop Mark turned to the older. 

“Hyung… I need to talk to you.” Yuta looked at Mark with attentive eyes but a neutral expression that Mark knew so well. 

“Lately I’ve been going through some realisations…” He paused. He was yet to be comfortable with using any labels, this was not something he would figure out within just a few weeks. “I- How do I start? I. Uhh. I-” Mark whined, hiding his face down into the covers. “Why is this so hard!” 

Yuta hummed, now smiling, as he stroke Mark’s nape. “So you can’t say what you’ve realised?” 

“Well that’s the hard part!” Mark clenched his eyes shut. “Okay, okay.” He took a deep breath and sat up straight. He forced himself to meet the caring eyes that met him. 

“Can you say what caused this realisation?” Yuta teased. 

“No, I’m- I’m just gonna say it okay? It doesn’t even have to be a big deal, I mean, it probably isn’t.” The point of no return. “I’m not straight.” It feels kind of strange to sort of announce it like that. Like, in what way is this relevant to Yuta? 

“Okay, Mark. Thank you for telling me, I guess.” Yuta said not looking particularly surprised but not put off either. “I hope you know this won’t change anything between us.” 

“No, I- I know, or I didn’t think it would, at least. I’m sorry, I know this isn’t something that’s necessary for you to know. I just, I don’t know why I thought it was a good idea to start bringing it up…” He started stretching his legs over the edge of the bed, ready to leave the room. “Just, I don’t know… Now you know, I guess. I’m just gonna go to my room.” He felt a lump in his throat grow. 

“Hey, no, it’s okay. I just told you nothing would change.” Yuta dragged him back to how they were sitting next to each other before, when watching the movie. “I appreciate you telling me. It’s obviously something significant to you, thank you for trusting me.” 

Mark slowly lowered his head to Yuta’s shoulder, some of the tears in his eyes spilling over. “Thank you, hyung.” 

Yuta, with his arm around Mark, rubbed his shoulder comfortingly. “Of course, you can talk to me about anything, just so you know that. We will always be here for you.”

*****

When Donghyuck had found out he had to take some moments to process it. Mark had sat opposite him at the dinner table in the kitchen, tense and unmoving, just waiting for his reaction. He had distracted himself with playing with the mug in front of him. 

Hyuck’s reaction was one of the most important to Mark. They were close in age, they were good friends and had to work together on many projects. He shuddered at the thought of their summer fight 2017. He pushed away the thought. Hyuck was one of the persons that Mark had spent most time with, both of them running back and forth between 127 and dream. Things would get quite complicated if they couldn’t get along after this. 

Donghyuck was staring down at the table, in deep thought. Mark rarely seen him so serious, which didn’t help with his nerves. He looked up at Mark, like seeing him for the first time, scrutinising him. Mark felt himself swallow desperately, just wanting to get over with this. 

“Okay” Hyuck uttered and nodded. 

“Okay? That’s all I get after sitting here on pins and needles for the last fifteen minutes without a word from you?” Still, Mark felt as if he could breathe again, okay was better than a majority of the reactions he could have expected. 

Hyuck shrugged. “Well, you’re still the same Mark.” He smiled jokingly but Mark could see he closely monitored how the older reacted when he said “I imagine the rest of dream might give you a harder time, when you’re comfortable with telling them.” 

Mark groaned as he puts his head on the table. “Yeah, I imagine they will.”

*****

Mark didn’t get to see everyone’s reaction since the rest of NCT found out sporadically over the following few months. Some of the members he didn’t talk to frequently heard about it through others when it became common knowledge within the 127-group. 

Most of the hyungs just sent a message of support or talked to him shortly when he met them, while dream was suspiciously quiet about it. He knew that someone had talked to them because sometimes they let slip small witty remarks about it. While Mark didn’t really have a problem with it, someone was clearly keeping them in line. It took Mark embarrassingly long time to figure it out who it was. 

What finally tipped him of were when a shelf in Jisung’s wardrobe kept falling down and he needed help to fix it. Jeno, surprisingly, was the one that decided to pipe in when they were discussing it over dinner. 

“You might have to walk in to the closet, in order to do it properly. Seems like Mark is the most qualified.” Some concealing coughs were heard around the table and everyone was suddenly captivated by their food, though Mark could glimpse some smiles. He didn’t mind, it was clearly not said with any bad intentions. He himself smiled but still felt some heat rise on his neck, as something he had gotten used to hiding was brought up casually in a conversation. 

The moment passed and dinner was finished soon after. While most members of dream filed in to Jisung and Renjun’s room, to try to deal with the shelf once and for all, Mark saw Hyuck grab Jeno’s arm and drag him in the opposite direction. They were only gone a few minutes before joining the rest in their fight against the stubborn furniture. Hyuck walked in to the room and complaining that they hadn’t already solved it with a sheepish looking Jeno i tow. 

While Mark appreciated Hyuck’s intention he talked to him the next day. He said that he was used to dealing with the youngers’ jokes and didn’t mind. Hyuck got him to promise if anyone, anyone at all, gave him crap for it and he couldn’t deal with it himself, that he would tell Hyuck, since they were best friends and he would knock some sense into the person.

Mark had smiled for the rest of the day. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you don't feel like this is too OOC, I'm still getting used to writing NCT. <3


	10. The Secret Break Up

Mark wakes to distant voices. From the kitchen he can hear, what sounds like Jaehyun and Taeyong, in a confused discussion. 

“So we don’t know what has happened to him? He didn’t say anything?” Blinking his eyes open Mark feels drowsy, like one can do when sleeping in the middle of the day. 

“No, we just know he went to talk to Jaedong-hyung yesterday.” Tiredly rubbing his face, he tries to locate his glasses. 

A sharp intake of breath cuts through the rooms. “You don’t think he’s the cause of this?” Someone had placed them on the coffee table in front of the sofa. 

“We just have to ask him, but I think it’s more likely related to how stressed he’s been lately. We’ve just finished promotions, you know.” Putting them on his eyes focus in on the living room he had been napping in. He’s alone in the room but the conversation he hears calms him, knowing his hyungs are close by, even if the topic has reminded him of what had transpired a few hours earlier. 

“Hyungs?” he call out loud enough to be heard in the rest of the dorm. He hears Taeyong and Jaehyun start to move and sees them when they turn around the corner in to the living room. Taeyong looking a bit frayed, still in training clothes. Jaehyun with a concerned expression. 

Just seeing them has a lump start to form in his throat, but he tries to keep it together. There is no use in worrying them more than they already are. Still he can’t stop himself from leaning in to the hug Taeyong offers him as they sit down next to him. Silence settles over them. It lets Mark collects his thoughts. 

Mark really doesn’t know where to start. What can he tell them? How could he tell them? He wants to but this is so far from the things they normally talk about. He isn’t even used to talking to them about… boys. The only one who really had a conversation about that with him is Johnny, the others not so used to the subject, thanks to where they grew up and trying to avoid scandals and anything related to scandals at all cost. He feels embarrassed and disgusting. How could he tell his hyungs about yesterday? Having to talk about being manhandled over the table. Relive the feeling of revulsion as his body reacted to the mixed touches on his body. He wants to bury himself in a hole in the ground and forget all the tears he had fallen, and not think about the ones that probably would in the future. He doesn’t want to deal with all the questions that will emerge. 

Taeyong’s hug that had felt comforting was starting to get suffocating. The touch so different but still throwing him back in to his memories. Jaehyun’s warm hands on his face that were grounding becoming buring. His thoughts are starting to get muddled. He can’t breath. Pleads that they won’t hold him down, even though he knows they would never hurt him. Right? He needs to get away from it all. He needs to be free from any intrusive contact. 

Wrenching himself from their grip he stumbled in to the table and down on the floor, having overestimated the force needed. Stunned eyes meet him as he looks back on the people he left on the couch. Starting to stutter out apologies, overwhelmed with his own actions and thoughts in his head, he curls in on himself, hugging his legs. His words die out. 

The shocked silence is broken by a message signal. Mark, wanting anything to take him away from all the explaining he has to do, crawls over to the phone, also thrown on the table. He leans back having no energy to focus on both sitting up and reading whatever interrupted. 

It’s Jaedong. 

Of course it is. 

He doesn’t want to read more of the message than he can already see, but knowing is perhaps better than stumbling in the dark. He braces himself but the message still catch him off guard.

_ Hi love, just wanted to make sure you got home safely. I had a good time, perhaps we could hang out at the dorm again next time? It’s been a while since we’ve hung out with the others. _

_ Also, thank you for throwing out that old newspaper on the way out. _

_ xoxo _

Mark closes his eyes. He needs to calm down, now! It was too much to deal with, and to now add this. Despite looking like a harmless message, it is clearly just Jaedong wanting to remind him of their discussion this morning, he hadn’t thrown away that paper, didn’t want to touch it. And he’s already talking about the next time they will meet, not letting Mark escape. 

But Mark was not going back there! He would just have to figure something out. Somehow he could avoid Jaedong. And if he could do that then there wasn’t really a problem here any more, right? So he doesn’t have to tell the others the whole truth. At least for the moment he feels like he had found the perfect solution. 

No Jaedong, no hard conversation. 

Because there is nothing to tell. 

The not talking can only last so long with two worried hyungs. “What happened Mark-yah?” Time to set everything in to motion. 

Opening his mouth he tries to think, to plan what he means to say, but the words just flow. “We broke up, hyung. It got too hard. The distance. And now I just realised that it will probably always be like this. I knew the “no dating”, at least not officially, as an idol, but now I can’t shake the feeling that I’ll always be alone-” A hiccuping breath breaks him off. In time with what he says he realises that is the truth. Despite what happened with Jaedong, he knew that the other was there whenever. But isn’t alone supposed to be better than what he was leaving? How many more chances would he get? Being attracted to boys in an unfavorable country and an idol on top of that. 

He more feels than sees both of them move down to him. Sight blurry from tears, he’s getting real tired of his own continued waterfalls. He never used to cry but it feels like he’s broken, split in to pieces and now he can’t stop bleeding tears. 

“Oh Mark, is it okay to hug you?” With arms open to him, Jaehyun easily catches Mark when the younger sags in to his embrace. With his face is buried in Jaehyun’s neck Mark lets out all the pent up feelings, his helplessness and confusion, all the hurt pouring out of him. Taeyong stroking his hair from where he is sat next to the pair. 

“You’re not alone, we’re here for you. And we always will be. No matter what, we’ll do what we can to help you.” Hearing the comforting words he feels like a part of him curls up and shrink in on itself, hating himself for not trusting them. But this is not a case of absent trust, he just have no words he can say to describe to them what has happened. He just want to forget. 

After a few minutes they move up on the couch, where they stay tangled up until Taeyong reminds them they haven’t had lunch yet. 

Somehow Mark manages to get down some of the food on his own and the two keeping him company doesn’t press him. When Mark has gathered himself significantly and almost an hour has passed they carefully ask why they broke up. Everything seemed fine last time they met Jaedong and Mark hadn’t said anything to indicate there were any problems before. 

Mark repeated what he already told them, that it got to hard with the limited time Mark could spend there, that Jaedong shouldn’t have to put up with this type of relationship just because of Mark’s life. 

He had thought about it and come to the conclusion he had to say he broke up with the older, since he wouldn’t know anything about it if they ran in to him, and that would look suspicious. This way, if he denied the ending of their relationship, it would just look like he was in denial. Or something. Mark was still figuring out some sort of plan.

It was probably quite counterproductive to keep everything hidden and buried but he just couldn’t deal with it. Just talking to them about his boyfriend feels a bit embarrassing, so used to it being something to hide and be ashamed about, even years after coming out. 

They let him go when he asks them to and he can see how powerless they feel, unable to really help him with what they think the problem is. Sidelined as Mark has to deal with his breaking heart. 

* * *

Mark spent the rest of the day sitting in his room sitting on his bed unmoving, too lost in his thoughts. He had taken another shower but the warm water had done nothing to help with the cold spreading through his body. Nor the memory that could only fade with time. 

When the clock finally strikes an acceptable time to sleep Mark crawls under the covers, not caring about anything outside his room or that very minute. He lies there lost in a haze, eyes not focusing on anything. He hasn’t come up with any groundbreaking solutions. 

His boyfriend, if he could still call him that, had sent many more text after the first one he got. None of them actively threatening, if an outsider were to see them, but Mark had heard the uncensored version of each of them that morning. He had dutifully replied when required just to get him to stop, leave him alone for the rest of the evening. And to make their next encounter less horrible, since no magic quick fix has appeared and he may have to face him again. But Mark still held on to hope that he would resolve this before anyone found out. 

By now he had run through everything so many times he could barely remember why it would be so bad to ask for help, but just thinking about how to start that conversation have him recoiling in shame and nausea, feeling like the hands were back on him. 

He has no idea for how long he lies there, but judging from the amount of movement outside his door and doors that are continuously opened and closed, he would assume it’s not that late. It’s still some light left outside his window, making the room faintly illuminated. 

The door opens. Mark assumes it’s Johnny, even though it would be unusually early for him to go to bed. The new intruder shuffles closer to him, probably to check if he’s sleeping. Mark tries to casually turn his back on them, not in the mood for any more talk, that will have to wait until tomorrow, when his throat might work like it should again. His eyes feel swollen and warm from his earlier tears. 

The light footsteps stops right next to his bed. He can hear the other person breath softly as his bed squeaks when it dips under a new weight. He feels how the other twist and turns until they are curled up next to him and an arm sneaks it’s way around his waist. Donghyuck cuddles closer to Mark, his familiar scent comforting.

Despite their dynamic, or perhaps because of it, Hyuck knows him better than anyone else. They are best friends. In this new family they all had found he has many older brothers that takes care of him and many younger he takes care of in turn, but Donghyuck is the one that despite the one year between them, feels like an equal. They have been with each other constantly since their start as trainees. They have run back and forth between the units together. The younger knows that sometimes it’s better to leave words with the outside world. To just be the two of them in their soft bubble in a vaguely illuminated room. 

The arm around him tightens and Mark closes his eyes to focus on not freaking out again. Hyuck’s presence behind him, his chest pressed close to Mark’s back, is both reassuring and causing minor distress. Sensing him tensing Hyuck mutters in to his shoulder “They told me.” All that needs to be said about what has been happening since he got back home. ”I can leave you alone, if you want, but I thought some company would be better?” 

As answer Mark takes a tight hold of the hand placed just under his ribs. He won’t forgive himself if he’s so broken that he’s messing up his friendship with Hyuck. Despite the two shirts between them he can feel Hyuck’s calm heartbeat. The younger tangles up their legs like they’ve done so many times growing up. 

The room gets progressively darker as time ticks by. Shadows more shady, until they can barely see the shapes of the furniture. The warmth radiating from Hyuck much more effective against the cold in his chest than the shower was.

Despite not really wanting to talk about it Mark can’t stop the words that bubble up and out of him. 

“He touched me when I didn’t want it.” It sounds like Hyuck stops breathing behind him. “I didn’t want it, I didn’t!” It’s like it becomes more real when he voices it out loud and a second wave of shock washes over him, drowning him. “Don’t tell them, I’ll deal with it.” Somehow. He feels a bit bad about placing this weight on his best friend but he needs to share this with someone or he’s going to go crazy, running through everything in his head again and again. 

After the first admission he feels his voice give out again. Embarrassment stopping him from articulating anything more about what happened. 

“Oh, hyung… “ He for once seems at a loss of words. Donghyuck’s hand, that is not slung over his chest, slowly start to brush though his hair. 

“Yeah, I know” he says, despite not really knowing what it is he apparently knows. 

“You should tell hyungs. Things like that don’t just go away.” He understands where Hyuck is coming from and that he says it out of love but he just doesn’t know of he can do what he asks him to. He feels Hyuck’s concern grow as he says.

“Don’t worry. I’ll fix this.” 

After that they are silent and it’s only a few minutes later that Mark drifts of to sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Right now I'm just trying to actually finish this, despite that the perfectionist in me just wants to take it all down. I feel like this is just a mess, but I guess everybody has to start somewhere. This is after all the first story I posted, even if it's not yet complete, since it grew longer than I planned. 
> 
> Take care of yourself! <3


	11. The Confrontation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again! I’m sorry this took such a long time for me to post. I honestly thought I’d gotten the last chapters up by now, but there has just been so much anxiety with school and work lately so I didn’t have time or the energy to deal with the plot problems I ran headfirst in to.   
I also realised I'm more nervous to post chapters with many of the members in because, you know, trying to write all of them well is hard!
> 
> But it’s finally here! So enjoy?

He wakes up to a still dark and chill room. Hyck is trying to untangle himself from both Mark and the covers, leading to some of the air hitting the exposed parts of Mark’s legs, making him shiver.

“Ahh, didn’t mean to wake you, Canada” He finally manages to free himself and stumbles as he falls out of the bed. Landing on his feet he adds “I need to get going, I was actually supposed to stay with dream since our promotions has ended now and I need to prepare for the next ones with them. Yah, you should sleep some more. And talk to someone later.” The other bed in the room is still as empty as his own feels now, Johnny apparently giving them some space by crashing somewhere else. 

Still only half awake Mark gets out a barely intelligibly goodbye and “Good luck, Donghyuck-ah. I know you’ll do great.” Mark buries himself under the covers and nod off again. He’s not entirely sure if he imagined a hand brushing across his hair and cheek one last time. 

* * *

He wakes some hours later to the sun shining in through the window and the sound of the dorm waking up outside his door. When he reluctantly and sleepily paddles out in to the kitchen to get some breakfast he sees a few inhabitants of the dorm there, as well as some others. Doyoung waving his arms around in a heated discussion with Johnny and Ten. Taeyong’s eyes follow him around until he’s sat between Sicheng and Doyoung. He makes sure to place all his food far away from the edge and Doyoung, used to things sometimes being wild and escalating. 

Mark gets the rest of the meal to just enjoy spending time with the members, with Sicheng patting his head absentmindedly and Doyoung sometimes prompting him to eat when he thinks Mark is too slow, ending with both of them laughing. Ten grins at him from the other side of the table everytime and proceeds to draw Doyoung back in to their discussion, that is looking more and more like an argument the more riled up Doyoung gets. Johnny had given up on the conversation a while ago and had turned to their leader instead. 

Before Mark can retire to his room, his time with no questions is up. Thankfully Taeyong drags him of to his and Jaehyun’s room, which is empty, and allows them some privacy. A small part of him worries that Donghyuck had time to talk to the leader before he left the dorm in a hurry this morning. 

“How are you feeling today?” What is he supposed to say? That he did sleep last night, but i was more of a tossing and turning kind of sleep, and not enough after he was left to sleep alone? That his skin is still kind of crawling? That he has started to look over his shoulder because he doesn’t know if Jaedong would actually show up at their dorm if he misses to answer messages, like he has threatened with? That he kind of wishes he could cuddle up in Taeyong’s embrace right now, but he doesn’t dare, because what if Jaedong somehow find out? And it would probably make the leader question him more. 

There is too much that needs to be explained. 

“I’m kind of tired” is what he settles on, the standard excuse “but it’ll pass, like it always does.” They’ve both experienced the exhaustion that comes with being overworked. And even though this is different the fatigue in his limbs will disappear eventually, same as any other weariness. After all, he wasn’t going back in to that situation ever again. 

Taeyong eyes him sceptically and understanding, somehow pulling off both at the same time. Looking after all of the boys in NCT for years he has developed a kind of sense for when they are hiding things from him, but not even he has any idea what it actually is about. 

“Perhaps you should slow down for a bit Mark? Just for a few days.” No that is the last thing he wants to do, and he tells Taeyong as much. 

“Please don’t clear my schedule.” Usually the chance to get a lighter schedule is something none of them would dismiss, but now it would only give him time to get stuck in his head. “I need to be doing things, not sit and brood.” That should be an acceptable excuse if they only think he broke off his relationship, and doesn’t know anything else. 

The leaders next move reveals that Hyuck didn’t tell anyone what Mark let slip during the night. “Okay… But you better tell if things don’t get better, we’re meant to be resting, but training can still get too much.” Mark promises him, despite his sinking heart. This is a promise he knows he won’t be able to keep, especially when the foundation for the promise is lies.

* * *

As expected, his feelings doesn’t just go away. The restless sleep the following days only causes his constant lack of energy to start being reflected in the darkness under his eyes, visible even with subtle concealer he has applied. Under normal circumstances rarely uses it, but now he just want to avoid as many questions as possible. His frustration and troubled mind reflected in his messy hair, that he tries to hide under a cap. 

He has still been considering going to the others and just confess everything that has happened, of course he has. They are the ones he goes to with everything. But what could they even do, if he were to talk to them? And he still had the threat of being exposed to the whole world hanging over him. He’s honestly quite worried how Jaedong would react if confronted in any way. 

His head feels like a mess, he’s confused and tired. He doesn’t know what to do. He had been thinking for days but not getting any closer to an answer. His only consolation has been training, throwing himself in to it, almost matching the amount when he has multiple comebacks successively. 

It has also been a good way to keep some distance to the members, since no one has any sort of deeper conversations during practice. He had tried to act like everything was fine, but it had barely worked even a day, he was fliching more than usual as soon as anyone got too close to him. Yuta had surprised him with a hug from behind one day that ended up with him just managing to stop his elbow from making contact with his hyungs ribs and him clenching his teeth. He had fled the room just minutes later, unable to keep himself from shaking. 

So, in order to not constantly bring the mood down by acting weird or distant, he had been spending even more time holed up in his room, when forced to remain in the dorm, and the studio or the practice room when possible. 

Jaedong hadn’t been letting up the pressure on him either, getting obviously more agitated with Mark everyday he avoided him. 

Mark had headaches more days than not, trying to keep his hyungs, Jaedong and all the responsibilities that hadn’t disappeared separate and under control. He felt stretched too far, like a rubber band about to snap. 

Having lived with the same people for years, they were bound to notice him acting different. His behaviour could go unquestioned only so many days.

* * *

The one to talk to him first was Doyoung, being the caring and direct person he is. He decided to corner Mark when the rapper was working on some lyrics in a abandoned room on the same floor as their practice hall. Mark didn’t look up when the dark haired singer entered the room, but he did glance at the shoes within his field of vision to reassure himself it was who he thought it was. 

The silence lays like a blanket around them for a few minutes. Instead of leaving, like Mark hoped Doyoung would but didn’t expect, the older pulls out a chair opposite Mark. He sit unbothered with his back towards the door, something Mark hasn’t been able to do the last days. 

“Mark-yah, why won’t you talk to me?” The rappers hands is stopped by warm hands draping over them. He hasn’t written anything new the last minutes anyway, just blindly writing words in english that even Doyoung could see doesn’t go together. 

“You haven’t said anything, so how can I know what you want to talk about?” he draws his hands back and winces internally at how rude that sounded. Doyoung raises an eyebrow at him, not amused. 

“What is up with you? You’ve been really different the last days.” He places his elbows on the table. Mark shrugs noncommittally. Doyoung taps his fingers together in front of his own face, in level with his chin. Mark somehow feels like he's letting Doyoung down even more by shutting him out like this, but talking to anyone really isn’t an option, his body just can’t formulate the words now that he’s out of the vaguely lit bedroom and face to face with the person he’s talking with. 

“I mean, we all know you have a lot to do with all your units, but I’ve checked your schedule and most of the time when your gone you are actually free” he eyes Mark attentively. “Before that might not have been that weird, but if you’ve broken it off with Jaedong than I assume your not spending that much time with him now.” Trust Doyoung to get right down to the core problem. 

“Well that’s the problem, isn’t? I just broke up with my boyfriend of many months! Sorry for needing space, _ hyung _” The lie passes his lips sharply before he has time to reflect over his response. Lying about the situation has become easier than have to explain himself. He’s a man, shouldn’t he be able to defend himself. And guys didn’t get… guys just isn’t victims in the same way girls are.

Doyoung raises his hands in surrender but his eyes are still stuck on Mark’s face. “We’re just worried Mark.” Mark feels bad for letting his inner tension spill over on Doyoung but he doesn’t let down his walls, he can’t be vulnerable again. His mask remains unchanging, though he just wants Doyoung to wrap him up, be his shield against the world, and never let anyone else get to him. 

“No need, hyung. I’m just working through the realisation I’ll always be alone, for as long as long as I want to live my dream.” He looks down at his notebook. “Life’s a bit unfair, but I hadn’t known to which extent before.” 

He slams the pages closed and walks around the table and past Doyoung. The singer lets him leave. He sits there for a few minutes, staring at the seat Mark left before he also gets up and closes the door after himself.

* * *

Mark had avoided hugs and skinship more vigorously than normal. That Donghyuck wasn’t living with them at the moment made it a bit easier, even if used to divide his affection quite evenly between the members. Although Taeil was somewhat of a favorite, since he was one of the members that accepted it easiest and was the least likely to embarrass anyone. 

But Mark hadn’t managed to get out of his quality time with Yuta, the older not letting him escape to his room after a communal dinner. Thus he ended up sitting on the right edge of the carelessly made bed in Yuta and Doyoung’s room. He would have preferred to borrow the absent room mate’s bed but then he would be too far away to see the movie well. Not that he even now really knew what it was about, too caught up in his reflections on if now was a good time to talk to Yuta. 

He would love to, honestly, but even just sitting this close to another person was a challenge. Add to that he couldn’t help but feel like he made a too big deal out of this. Most of his hyungs had some experiences with, uh, sex, but none of them had ever talked about it like something too special when it got brought up during their bonding nights. Maybe it was related to the knowledge that few relationships could bear the strain that came with their status and something more committed were fictitious expectations. So far only he and Jaehyun had been lucky enough to find understanding people who were willing to wait for them.

How is he supposed to ask Yuta to keep a bigger distance? Won’t that hurt the other? He would have to talk about the vert thing he was slowly trying repress if he tries to give any sort of credible explanation. What if the older would say he’s making a too big deal out of nothing? 

Yuta peeks at Mark, who is sitting oddly far away, even for him. At first glance he seems to be watching the screen, but his eyes are glazed over and unfocused. He nudges the younger’s foot with his own and gets a questioning look. He lifts his arm as if to put it around Mark’s shoulders, not invading his space, just inviting. Something flicker through the rappers eyes, it almost looks like panic, but it passes too quick for Yuta to know for sure, but he drops the arm quickly. 

Mark feels so lousy, he can see the disappointment Yuta can’t conceal in time. Why? Why did his body’s first reaction to close proximity have to be panic? He can almost feel the confusion radiate from the japanese man. Even if Mark kept his distance to them on camera more times than not, it was rare that he shut anyone out when hanging out separately in private. 

Gritting his teeth he scoots closer until their arms rest against each other. Yuta leaves him be, allows him to take his time with getting comfortable, not knowing how much it meant to Mark to not have him push for more, for Mark to talk. 

They sit in silence, letting the movie’s sound fill the room again. Mark can feel the tension slowly drain out of him, leaving him tired. Even if close contact brings up some nausea he has missed it these last days and he lets his head drop down on Yuta’s shoulder. He remembers a similar instance a few years earlier. The secret he carried at that time felt just as heavy then as his present one does in this moment. The only reaction he had gotten at the time was love and understanding.

_ “You can talk to me about anything, just so you know that. We will always be here for you.” _

Maybe next time he got the opportunity he would. Hopefully he had processed everything enough by then.

* * *

After that it got a bit easier to get back the usual dynamic with everyone, to be close to them again. He had realised they were all still the same people he had known for years. It’s not like any of them were out to hurt him. Only one person in his life were completely different. 

It is a sunny day and he and Jaehyun has decided to go for a walk during their break from recording, while the rest elected to stay behind. There is quite a few people out so they try to stick to backstreets and smaller alleyways to avoid the masses. 

Jaehyun is sharing a story about his last date with his girlfriend. They had been to one of the discrete restaurants they visit from time to time. Mark tries really hard to stay with the topic and listen attentively but all that keeps going through his head is how Jaehyun would react if he told him something, just a clue. Would he believe Mark or think it’s regret talking, that Mark is trying to put doubt on a situation that wasn’t there from the beginning? Like the first time it happened Mark had agreed, after all. Even if- 

“Oh I’m sorry Mark, surely you don’t want to hear about relationship-stuff at the moment.” Mark looks up at the other and smiles slightly. 

“No, it’s fine. It’s quite nice to hear about the pleasant parts of a relationship. I know I just ended mine but I almost miss them already.” He looks up at the treetops as they walk further down the street. Jaehyun sees his wistful smile and puts a hand on his shoulder. 

“There will be more chances. Everything isn’t over just because one relationship doesn’t work out.” Mark hums thoughtfully. He wonders if he’ll ever be able to let anyone in so close again.

* * *

It’s a rare occasion that Sicheng has time to hang out while he’s on visit in Korea, WayV taking up most of his time. Mark has managed to catch him while he was dancing on his own in one of their practice rooms. The singer had stopped in the middle of a move when the door opened but had fallen back in to flow when he saw it was Mark. 

Taking a seat along the wall with mirrors he watches in silence as his hyung becomes one with the rhythm. Sicheng was one of the more interesting members in NCT to collaborate with when it came to dancing, since he had such different training than most of them. 

His whole body was one entity, every finger and every move having a purpose. Controlled but still alive and fluid. Sicheng leaves the floor, rotates midar and lands without as much as a jolt to disturb his movements. Mark sits transfixed, just enjoying how relaxed the dancer looks in his element. 

Sicheng does a sharp turn, changing direction, whole body working as one to redirect the energy packed in to the move. The result is a clean transformation so he in a few steps go from a serie of moves along the diagonal to a placement in the middle of the room. 

He slows down, in tune with the music, but nothing, not a part of him looks awkward or in the wrong place. He is in complete control of every muscle. 

Mark knows all of them in NCT are good dancer, more than good, but in the moment he can’t help but feel an unfounded jealousy. Sicheng’s body does exactly what he wants it to, and all Mark can think about is how his own a few days ago betrayed him, reacting as if what was happening didn’t make him want to crawl out of his skin. How can he bother his hyung with something like that when it could be argued that he actually enjoyed what was happening?

Sicheng smiles shyly when he shuts of the music, but it widens when Mark clap enthusiastically, waking up from his thoughts as the silence settled. 

“I need a shower, but then we can go and grab dinner if you want?” Mark nods happily, giving the older thumbs up as he sits back down to wait for the other. 

The dinner is nice and Mark can let go of everything, if only for some hours. They share stories about what both of them missed when Sicheng was abroad. Mark is talking about all the weird stuff that the members in Korea got up to, while Sicheng shares some even weirder stories about the newly introduced ones. Mark concludes they’ll fit right in.

* * *

Mark really hadn’t meant to, it had been an accident! 

But now Taeil was pissed at him. Taeil-hyung. The one of them who never got actually angry, never raised his voice, is fuming. 

Of course he had first checked that Mark wasn’t hurt, but when that was out of the way he really wasn’t holding back. 

“What were you thinking!?” his voice carries out through the dorm and Mark is sorry to the members that might be woken because of it. 

“I didn’t mean to! You scared me!” Their saucepan is lying abandoned on the floor in a puddle of scalding hot water. Taeil is sat next to it with a roll of paper trying to dry up the floor without touching the water and scalding himself more. One role is already used up, thrown onto the water with hope that it’ll stop spreading across the floor.

Mark had been trying to cook, as other accidents had started before. He had eaten an early dinner with Sicheng and now it was the middle of the night. He might have gone and bothered someone else in to cooking but thought all of them were asleep already. He had been convinced he would be able to cook ramen at least, he had done it before. And he wasn’t completely inept in the kitchen, despite what their fans might think. It was just harder to cook in front of cameras. 

Anyway. He had been cooking his food, focused on doing the steps right, and hadn’t heard someone enter the kitchen. A hand had been placed on his shoulder and in his haste to turn around he had unintentionally got caught in the handle to the pan with boiling water, knocking it down. The water splashing over both himself and Taeil. 

Luckily most of it had hit the floor, but some of it had soaked their sweatpants and t-shirts which had to be promptly discarded in order to not hurt them. Standing in his underwear in the kitchen with Taeil yelling at him felt like one of the lowest points in his life. Still not as low-

He could hear footsteps approaching in time with his shame. He had managed to make even Taeil angry, something few had done. If even Taeil lost his temper with him maybe it had been like Jaedong had said and Mark had riled him up… 

Johnny step in to the kitchen with Doyoung and Yuta in tow. It takes a few seconds for him to take in the scene with Mark and Taeil in their underwear, the latter on the floor wiping up water while Mark is holding the clothes. Mark is red faced with a sheepish look while Taeil is red from anger. It’s the smell of something vaguely burning that springs him in to action. 

“Yuta and Doyoung, can you help Taeil, I’ll deal with Mark.” He turns off the stove, which was still on and gently guides Mark towards the door. Since Taeyong isn’t home, still at the studio, and Taeil, as the oldest, is to frustrated to be reasonable Johnny steps up. 

Mark is sat down on his bed. Johnny picks up some of his clothes and pile them next to him. 

“Are you hurt anywhere? Did the water hit you?” Mark shakes his head.

“No, just the clothes, but we got them off in time.” He puts on on of his t-shirts that Johnny brought. 

“You know he’s just worried. We’ve been worried about you these days and you could have gotten hurt now. It’s like when a parent get really angry at their child” Johnny laughs lightly “it’s when they know the child is safe that the worry can take place and they yell. It’s just a misunderstanding, he’s going to feel bad about it tomorrow.” Mark nods, a lump in his throat. A misunderstanding. 

Maybe that is what happened- No, he had been quite clear and Jaedong still had- had touched him. He had said no, even struggled against him. That is as clear as it gets, right? But a misunderstanding sounded better than him riling Jaedong up. He’ll take it, as long as he wasn’t the cause. 

“Go to sleep, we’ll deal with the kitchen.” Mark tries to protest, he created the mess, he should clean it up. 

“No, don’t worry about it. Let us help when we actually can.” He pats Mark’s back and leaves the room. Mark doesn’t fall asleep even after Johnny gets back to their room, laying awake as the moon moves across the sky.

* * *

Johnny had been right, Taeil was apologetic. Mark was quick to reassure him though. They had both been tired, no harm done. 

Later that day they were scheduled to record an episode for a variety show. They were sitting in the dressing room, make up and styling done. Mark had snatched one of the seats on the couch as they were waiting, Jungwoo sitting next to him. Some of the other members are playing around with a camera, some with their phones, while others catch some sleep. 

His phone chimes, telling him he has a new message. Shaking Jungwoo of his shoulder he leans forward and picks up his phone. He’s been in contact with Jaedong every day. He learnt that it’s better to face them head on than postpone it with more dire consequences. 

_ Hello love, just checking in. Saw that NCT is getting more popular, your latest song topping the charts! Congratulations! You’re lucky none of your scandals have ruined you all so far. _

_ Good luck <3 _

Jungwoo makes a questioning sound, awoken from his nap. Mark puts the phone back on the table, screen downwards, before the temporarily blonde could see anything. He would answer in a few minutes, before they leave the room. Mark shakes his head and tries to smile, but it feels stiff. He pats Jungwoo’s knee and drags his head back down on Mark’s shoulder. The singer goes willingly, snuggling in to Mark, though it does nothing to loosen up Mark’s closed throat. His knee bouncing as he’s unable to sit still. 

Even if Jungwoo is both older and bigger he often acts small and Mark can’t help but feel protective over him. If Mark were to have a scandal it wouldn’t just affect him, but all of them. So far Jaedong hadn’t asked for too much, at least not after the time he won’t talk about, he just wanted Mark to answer his texts. He could do that. That’s easy. He had nothing to lose by just texting. 

The problems would arise when the other would want to meet next time, because what could Mark say against that?

* * *

Mark and Taeyong were walking back from the company. They had been training for hours, but since they’ve just had a comeback they didn’t have to stay longer and could have dinner on the way home. 

He’s sitting across from Taeyong. The leader talking about one of the tracks they’ve been working on, writing down some notes in order to not forget it until the next time they are in the studio. 

They have known each other for many years, Taeyong being there for him when they were first put together in SM Rookies and he was still so young. He had seen everything that Taeyong had been through, how he had worked himself to the bone to be better than the rumors that were spread about him, to prove that he was and is worth his place in NCT. 

If this thing with Jaedong gets out, he’s done for. Of course there were all types of rumors going around, and the company subtlety encouraged ambiguity in their interactions, but this is something completely different. A relationship in any form is enough to destroy an idol, even more so one between two men. 

They are about halfway done with the meal when Mark feels like his stomach is in knots, unable to accept any more food. The stress of the situation having destroyed his appetite the last days. He sets down his spoon, trying to breathe calmly. After a few bites Taeyong looks up at him questioningly, mouth still stuffed with food. Mark can’t keep in a laugh that bubbles up which causes Taeyong’s gaze to soften. He swallows the food. 

“Are you okay? I know you’ve been working even harder instead of resting like I wanted you to do.” His eyes telling Mark he does not approve but knows that he’s just the same and would probably act as Mark does. 

“Yeah, it’s just my stomach that’s been bugging me, you know how it gets sometimes.” The leader nods, concern shining though as he takes in Mark’s appearance but he doesn’t add anything. He may be their leader and cares about them but he never wants to be overbearing.

* * *

“Jaedong contacted us, you know.” Mark sucks in a sharp breath. “He asked us how you’re doing, it seemed from his texts as if he was worried you might overwork yourself.” 

Mark can feel a slight tingling in his hands. “He knows you so well.” Yes, sadly that seems to be the case. Mark had opened himself up completely and it was too late when he realised the other person was still a stranger, had sides he never knew about. 

“And he cares for you, so much. And we know you’ve been suffering this last week. We just want what’s best for you Mark-yah and we all thought you should talk things out with him, if only to get closure.” Mark can’t get enough air, he’s getting light headed. They didn’t. _ Please _, don’t let it be the case! 

Opening their front door and being led to the end of the hallway feels like his final walk. Numbness spreading in his body is the only thing stopping the panic from taking hold. 

And there, in their fucking sofa, chatting lowly with Taeil and Jaehyun is Jaedong. 

They all look up when Mark and Taeyong enter, his living nightmare giving a small, almost shy smile. Ever the perfect boyfriend, an accomplished actor. He should consider changing careers. Would get all the damned awards. 

Mark stands rooted in the doorway, his body almost snapping from the tension present from his feet to his shoulders. 

How could- How could they! 

The usual warmth from the dorm seeping out, leaving him feeling cold in what used to be his sanctuary, the one place they all took refuge in when the world demanded too much. When their bodies were too broken. 

But of course it’s Mark’s own fault in the end. Because they don’t know. He hasn’t told them anything, despite all the opportunities he's had. And now their intervention is hurtling towards Mark’s destruction and only two people are aware of it. 

“Oh baby” he closes in on Mark, like a predator that knows they have their prey cornered. “Look at you,” there is nowhere Mark could go even if there is a perfectly good opening behind him that he just walked in through. “it seems like you’ve been sleeping about as good as I have.” A finger drags along the upper part of his cheek. 

“Please love, I didn’t know the reason you wanted to break up was out of consideration for me! Can we talk about this? You’re breaking both our hearts for nothing. We can solve this together.” He’s crying, again. He can’t stop the tears falling down his face, lining it with salt tracks. He doesn’t know what his hyungs see, but they must interpret his tears as relief if the soft smiles on their faces are anything to go by. He sees how the infiltrator’s eyes also starts to water slightly, as if he can’t stand to see Mark hurt. 

“I- I-” is all he gets out before he’s silenced in his tormentor’s shoulder as he’s embraced. 

“So you’ve started to lie to your hyungs, little one.” a snake like whisper graces his skin just below his ear. He shivers. The cold Hyuck had chased away the night before he left is back in full force. 

He’s turned around and lead to his room. A silent power struggle taking place, Mark bracing his feet against the floor to not be isolated with the unpredictable danger. Jaedong puts more forces behind his shoving of Mark, his chest against Mark’s back. Once again the only thing keeping him upright is Jaedong’s grip, as he ends up stumbling, unable to hold up against the pressure propelling him forward.

* * *

Sitting in his bed he watches as Jaedong walks back and forth, berating Mark but keeping his voice down so it won’t spread through the walls. 

“So now I know why you didn’t want me to come over. You’re little story would collapse in on itself.” 

He sits still as stone with his legs drawn up to his chin, hoping that he might become invisible, or at least not be seen as talking back. 

Mark tries to figure out what Jaedong could have said that convinced all of his hyungs that he meant well. But, thinking about it, he never really complained about Jaedong, because at first there was no problems and later on because he felt it better to solve between the two of them and not run of and give the people around him a negative view of someone he liked. And these last happenings being repressed even in his mind.

“But I played along with your story, saved your face in front of you dear members. What would they think if they find out you’ve been lying? To them. To me.” He shakes his head. “Not smart, baby, there is only so much they can tolerate, you know, and we all just try to put up with you as it is. How can I ever trust you again?” Mark can feel himself tensing for every moment he has to be near the other. His hyungs are just outside the door! But deep down he can’t help but fear that they won’t believe him. 

Jaedong claps his hand and changes the subject. “So you haven’t really been as busy as you’ve said. Now is the time to make up for lost time then.” He crouches in front of Mark.

“When we go out there you will act as if nothing's wrong or they will find out just how pathetic you are.” A sharp pinch to his thigh makes his surroundings a bit more clear. He nods mutely. A part if him can't help but believe what is said. Pathetic. Yeah, that sounds right. The man in front of him stands up. A hand pets his head.

* * *

Jaedong is talking with them. He tells them he’s taking Mark with him, that they’ve made up and have missed each other. He says Mark just needs to rest a bit and that he’ll be back tomorrow. 

“Because of his foolishness we’ve been apart for so many days!” His eyes soft as he looks at Mark. “Now I just want to take care of him, my baby is so tired.” If Mark hadn’t completely shut down he would be cringing at what was said, but Jungwoo and Yuta is doing it for him, the former pretending to throw up while the latter pats his back. He wants to laugh at their antics but the rest of the situation feels too sombre. 

They are leaving but he just wants to go down on his knees and beg his hyungs to not let this nightmare be real. To not give him away like this to his personal tormentor! 

But he couldn’t say anything to his hyungs when he had the chance, and doing it in front of the very person that terrifies him is even harder. 

How can they not see? Or do they just not care? His deepest buried fear. That he imagined the bond they’ve all built up. 

Jaedong have been doing the dance too well, leading everyone along. He has them so convinced of his good intentions that he can just walk out of here with Mark, right under their noses. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know, I don't know! I'm sorry! Okay? And yes, it's getting real in the next chapter!
> 
> But on the other hand, what do you think? If you have any constructive criticism feel free to leave a comment! Or if you just want to shout at me xD


	12. Secret Revealed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this was actually quite mentally taxing for me and I’m sorry if it’s noticeable in the writing. It’s thanks to all you wonderful people who left kudos and commented that I got this done as fast as I did. 
> 
> I WANT TO GIVE YOU ALL A SPECIAL WARNING FOR THIS CHAPTER. It's the most explicit so far. I've even been debating whether to raise the rating or not. Please tell me if you think I need to add any tags. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

Mark stumbles in through the door at Jaedong’s encouragement and hangs his thin spring jacket just inside the door. Easy to grab if one’s leaving in a hurry. 

The moment they are alone it’s like the older transforms from the subdued but caring boyfriend he presents around everyone else and he lets Mark see how absolutely furious he is. Grabbing Mark’s arm tightly he throws him further in to the apartment, putting himself between Mark and the door. 

“So care to explain why all of your hyungs seem to think you and I were ever over when we both know you’re _ mine _?” he spits out. Mark starts to regret that he didn’t do whatever it took to not be allowed to leave his home. 

The taller man shoves him when he doesn’t respond. He stumbles into the doorframe leading in to the kitchen and clutches on to it. “Answer me!” he growls out. 

Mark figures it’s probably better to give him the answer Jaedong already knows it’s going to be, than to provoke him more by not saying anything and giving him the chance to work himself up. 

“Because that’s what I told them” he breathes out. 

“Oh you’ve told them. You know, when you break up with someone it’s customary to inform the other party in the relationship.” He grips Mark’s hair, pain spreading through his scalp. “But I suspect you’re too much of a coward too do that, aren’t you? What did you think would happen? I would magically disappear?” Mark takes hold of the hand in his hair and tries to pry away the fingers. 

“No, no, please stop, I’m sorry!” Jaedong lets go of Mark like he’s disgusted to touch him. 

“Already begging, you’re truly pathetic.” He pulls him upright with one hand around his right upper arm and the other curled in his shirt. Crowding him against the wall one hand releases his arm and, almost lovingly, caresses his jaw. Except that it’s way too stiff and more an act of possessiveness than care. Mark tilts his head back but the wall stops any major moves. And to think that he had been grateful for Jaedong!

“Now you’re back where you belong, pet.” The lips on his own are harsh and suffocating. As a defensive reaction to the assault his arms starts flailing, pushing at anything they make contact with. He shoves Jaedong away and distances himself from the wall but he’s not prepared for the punch that comes his way and rattles his brain. He can feel pain start to bloom in his left cheek as well as a burning feeling, the skin having broken. He’s over it. Never would he allow himself to feel grateful about someone who is punching his face red and blue!

Jaedong, who is significantly bigger than him, drives him back in to the wall, knocking all air out of him. He’s not going to take it anymore. This is all beyond salvation. There is no coming back from their last encounter even if the other would have acted like he wanted to. Not that he is, throwing Mark around like he’s nothing. It feels like a weight falls of his shoulders and heart. There is no point to try to stay here. There is nothing that could make it worth staying.

In his unsteady state, from the knocking about, he’s unable to do much about the hand grabbing his shoulder and forcing his chest against the hallway wall. The impact leaves him wheezing, ribs sore. He gets one hand against the wall to push back but his other is seized and twisted around against his back. 

“Oh, so now you decide to struggle.” Mark feels the figure behind him slowly lean in, slotting himself behind Mark as one arm sneaks around his stomach. “Too bad for you that I got you exactly where I want,” is mumbled against his neck. Mark drops his forehead against the wall, eyes closed. He tries to ignore the stretch in his arm, ignore the hand caress him under his shirt as well as the pounding in his cheek. But he gags when he feels the other grind hips forward. 

He gets the arm, that is not held in a excruciating grip, free from between himself and the wall. With all the strength he can muster up he jabs the elbow backwards. A grunt is heard at the impact and the hold on his twisted arm loosens slightly, but it’s enough for him to get free. 

His shoulder feels stiff from the unnatural angle it was forced in to but he pays it no mind. Bracing both hands against the wall and pushes back. Jaedong stumbles back at Mark’s herculean effort. Turning around he sees the other collecting himself against the other wall. Not waiting around to see what will happen Mark staggers towards the door, towards his jacket hanging only a few meters away. 

But he doesn’t get far until it feels as if his right wrist is being squeezed so hard he wonders if it’s possible to break bones with bare hands. Grimacing he turns his head back to face the danger. 

He feels a stinging feeling spread through his right cheek as his head is turned to the side with the force of the slap that hit him. A light ringing echoing in his ear. Jaedong’s right hand still not letting him go. 

“And where do you think you’re going? We’re not done here, sweetheart.” 

Shock is still surging through him. His breath hitches. “Yes we are. After I’m gone from here I never want to see your face, ever again.” A hand makes contact with his throat and he’s once again he’s moved against his will. 

His hands move to the ones that are holding him trapped, only a couple of steps from freedom. Beating at their hold he, in the back of his mind, tries to figure out how the fuck they got to this point. Just this summer at the start of their relationship they had been so happy. 

The face in front of his is red with anger, teeth showing as he snarls at Mark. Tears start to form in his eyes at the pressure against his his airways and blood veins. He tries desperately to claw at the hands pining him to the wall. 

“You’re just a little glorified slut, aren’t you? Always running back to them, like I was never enough, from the beginning.” Mark can feel the tears start to spill out of his eyes. 

He doesn’t know why he’s so affected by the words when it’s clearly coming from a place of hatred. Perhaps because it has been said, though worded differently, by so many people before, who don’t know them. People who believe he’s together with this or that member, which he has learned to live with, but this it’s someone who was supposed to know better. Someone who had mattered to him, but was still doubting their relationships.

Mark can’t talk but he just wants to yell back that of course he’s close with the others! He had grown up with them! And sure the company sometimes wanted them to portray a certain dynamic, but they all still cared for one another at the end of the day, regardless of what happened in front of the cameras. They were family! They were his new family when his own was halfway across the planet. And despite that there would always be that small empty part in heart for his parents, that could never be completely replaced.

In the same moment he realises what is wrong and has been for some time now. This relationship has become a wall between him and the rest of NCT. It has caused him to keep secrets, to lie to them, the people he would trust over anyone. Sure, their habits and teasing may be a bit different than most families, but most families is not made up of only boys from their teens to mid twenties. 

They may have let him go here, but that was out of love and worry for him, and since they didn’t know what was actually hurting him. 

“I don’t understand how anyone can look up to a disappointment like you.”

Mark block out the rest of what is said. He wishes he had the opportunity to get down on his knees and beg Taeyong, Johnny or any of them to not let go of him, pride be damned, but now it is too late. His vision is blurry from tears, but what’s worse is that he can feel the edges start to darken. His attempts to get free both getting more frantic but also less forceful, limbs not listening to him. He doesn’t have much time left in consciousness and he’s getting uncertain about if the man in front of him would actually kill him or not. He feels warm liquid under his nails, breaking the skin on the hands holding him down. 

His head is pounding. It feels as if all the blood is going to burst out of his eyes. His legs are struggling to keep him upright. He makes one last frenzied but determined attempt to get free, adrenaline pumping.

Kicking his leg out, as far as he can, it collides with a soft body part, not bone. He yanks at the arms holding him as the man in front of him partly folds in on himself. One of his fists connect with the face in front of him, but he’s too busy drawing deep breaths to focus on where.

When the weight pinning him to the wall disappears his legs falter slightly, he almost crash to the floor with his first step, but the fear keeps him going. After that his body functions on its own. He sprints out of there.

* * *

Blood rushing in his ears muffle the sound of his own panting breaths. The setting sun is casting long shadows while illuminating his way. The fear coursing through his veins is dulling his senses but the fresh air feels sharp in his lungs. His jacket is bumping against leg, hanging from his hand as he runs barely registering. 

Will he make it all the way back? Will he be caught? Or will someone recognise him? Is he following? 

He doesn’t stop to check.

Mark stumbles that last steps up to the door, and with his last strength gets it open. He braces himself against the wall of the stairwell hall. His palms are sweaty against the cool stone surface. 

He’s shaking. 

Sliding down the wall he puts his head in his hands. 

He knows he isn’t really safe yet, the glass door with a code not being much of an obstacle for a man who’s determined enough. And any of the other residents in the building could walk by. But the stairs are overwhelming. He has no idea how he even got this far, now that his body is making itself known again. 

Breath. In. Count to four. Hold. Count to three. Out. Count to seven.

In. Hold. Out.

The same exercise he’s done when the pressure got to much, when he didn’t have enough hours in a day to fit everything needed.

“Markeu-ya?”

He glances up. Donghyuck is dragging a suitcase in through the door after being dropped off. He walks closer slowly. “Why are you-” 

He drops the bag the moment he gets close enough to see Mark’s face. “Wha- oh”

He knows what he must look like, sitting on the hallway floor, cheek bleeding and probably a red handprint over his face. His neck probably looks as good as it feels, Mark hadn’t tried to talk, having no reason to so far, but also not wanting to know. Would he be able to? There is blood on his hands and in his hair and tears streaming down his face. 

Still Hyuck looks like the one who’s about to pass out, mouth open in shock. 

“Okay” the younger creeps closer “Okay, okay, okay, okay” He keeps repeating it until Mark feels like that one word is trying to dig its way into his skull. He’s barely half a meter away and he crouches down in front of Mark. 

“Uh” there is no use in asking if Mark’s alright, it’s clear that he’s not. But he’s not sure if this is the place to be talking about what had happened. He stretches a hand towards the same cheek he had stroked just before leaving, but which was bloodied and scratched now. Mark flinch away from his hand, which stops mid air. He remembers the last conversation he had with Mark. He just hopes that this isn’t related. A shiver goes through him. 

“Do I-” he swallows ”Do I need to call an ambulance?” Perhaps there is more damage done to Mark than he can see. Not that what he can see isn’t severe enough. Mark shakes his head, a minimal movement, but still there. He catches Hyck’s hand as it’s retreating, the warmth feels grounding. He slowly guides it to his jaw. He closes his eyes at the delicate touch. 

Donghyuck feels how cool Mark’s skin feels, despite the amount of blood circulating. He needs to get heated up, or there might be more severe consequences. 

“We need to get you upstairs. We can deal with this there. And you need to tell both me and the others what happened.” A lone tear slides down Mark’s face but he silently agrees, he was going to talk to them after this anyway. 

With Donghyuck’s help and with the supporting wall Mark gets up on his feet. It’s a slow process now that the adrenaline has subsided, and he accidentally leaves traces of blood on the wall. He’s sore and he can barely believe he managed to get home, let alone run.

* * *

As they enter the dorm they are met with the usual scene and sounds. Someone is playing music and he can hear the sound of a shooting game in another room. The only trace of the dinner is the aroma left in the air. The hallway is deserted. It feels strange after all that has happened that still nothing is different here. A door opens further down and Johnny walks out of their room. He’s looking at something in his phone but at the sound of Donghyuck placing his and Mark’s shoes on one of the shelves he looks up. 

In a few big strides he’s standing in front of them, face unreadable, locked in a stony expression. “_ Who did this? _” he gets out. 

Donghyuck had felt Mark stiffen as the taller man advanced towards them and put up a hand to tell him to slow down. “Take it easy hyung! Let’s just get him inside first.”

At Mark’s wide eyes and Hyuck’s defensive stance it’s like he wakes from a trance and crumbles at the same time. “Yeah, of course.” he sounds defeated. “Can you walk on your own?” Mark can only manage a nod, but he doesn’t let up his clenched grip on Hyuck’s shirt. 

Despite what the hyungs may feel they are not responsible for him. They are not his parents. And since he has refused to tell them anything before they couldn’t know about what was happening and were therefore unable do anything. Sitting on one of the couches with Hyuck cradling him, Johnny in one of the armchairs looking composed but his eyes broken, Taeyong in front of him holding on to his hands as if he would disappear and the rest of them scattered around the room he feels like that may have been an error of judgement on his part. Just because he didn’t think they needed to know and didn’t see them as liable for his well being doesn’t mean that they don’t. 

The moment the first shout was heard, Yuta as he saw Mark’s face, was what lead to all of them being gathered in the living room. Hyuck had warned them to be careful with their movements and not make any quick gestures. The first question is an easy one, the same as Hyuck had asked.

“Do we need to go to a hospital?” He looks up at Taeyong, the older clearly trying to get the situation under control, trying to gauge how serious it is. He shakes his head for a second time. The leader accepts the answer but continues to clean out the cut on his cheek. He works in silence and nobody else steps in to fill it.

“Okay, that’s as good as it’ll get.” He packs away the first-aid kit. “Can you tell us what happened?” That is the harder part. And all of them are here, hearing this humiliating story. He opens his mouth to start, to say something at least, but his throat is closing up. He can’t. He can’t do it. 

“_ Too many here.” _ is all he whispers, throat sore but working. Johnny hears him and he leans forward. 

“_ No problem, who do you want to stay?” _ Mark doesn’t know. Why did he have to decide who’d be forced to listen? Or force someone to leave when they didn’t want to? He shrugs. 

“_ Is me, Taeyong and Jaehyun alright?” _ Jaehyun looks mildly surprised but doesn’t protest. If Mark is slipping in and out of english it’s better to have the ones who understand present. There is no point in trying to move Taeyong. 

“Yeah, that’s fine.” The ones not speaking english look a bit confused as to what Mark agreed on. Yuta does as well, even though he’s at the edge of his seat, about to stand up. He looks at Johnny for confirmation and gets a nod in return. They all move out of the room, despite Doyoung looking like he’d rather be doing anything else. But this is not about them, it’s what Mark needs, and they all know it. Donghyuck doesn’t make any move to get up and Mark doesn’t move away from him, so the younger stays. He feels a bit guilty for putting even more of this on the younger but he’s so thankful that he’s there, holding him together. 

He starts talking when they are left alone and the door is closed soundlessly. Stuttering at first but once the words started to flow there was nothing stopping it. He tells them about how great everything was at the start. How his boyfriend seemed to care, to listen, to him. How he the first time hadn’t really wanted it, but it seemed like something he had to do. He tells them about that time he tried to talk to Jadong about how he felt about what they’d done and he had been forced down and held still. About how he had lied and told them they broke up and just avoided the other. How he’d been punched and choked until he’d managed to run out of there.

They don’t interrupt him once, probably sensing that if they stop him he wouldn’t be able to continue, when what he is saying will be catching up to him. Perhaps they are just too shocked, what can they possibly say to make it better? This had been going on for weeks right in front of them. 

Johnny is sitting with his head in his hand, fingers splayed out through his hair, elbows resting on his knees, face obscured. Jaehyun had sunk down in to the other sofa, just staring at the table in front of him. Taeyong is sitting in exactly the same spot as when he started talking, eyes sometimes open, sometimes closed but tears continuously falling down his face. He squeezes Mark’s hands gently every time he starts to falter. He can’t see Hyuck but he can feel the arms that embrace him shaking, his face buried in one of his shoulders. 

He doesn’t talk about the details. It wouldn’t do anyone any good. 

They don’t need to know exactly how humiliating it was to be used, begging for it to stop while his traitorous body reacted differently. They just need to know to not surprise him or hold him too tight. Especially surprise back hugs. 

They don’t need to know how it felt to be held against the wall feeling his strength give way when the need for oxygen got crucial. They just need to know his throat and neck is off limits for the foreseeable future. 

He suspects they figure out the details themselves anyway. 

Somewhere in the story he started crying again. Hiccups interrupting his words, breath catching in his throat. For so long he’d wanted to tell them but hadn’t known how. Had felt like it was his fault. He breathes harder. Hadn’t wanted to burden them. He tries to fill his lungs with air but it’s like he’s back in the chokehold. He can’t breathe. 

_ He can’t breathe. _

He had told them. He chokes on the air, feeling like he’s not getting enough, but actually getting too much. He’s staring in to Taeyong’s eyes. The older listening to him attentively, even when he’s not saying anything. 

_ Where did all the air go? _

He had run from Jaedong and now everyone was going to find out. The whole world would know and he’d be over. He’d been so selfish, this would affect all of them. This is why he didn’t talk to them before. He sees the moment when Taeyong realises he’s not just crying anymore, the leader’s eyes widening slightly. 

_ There’s a pain in his chest, and it’s growing. Is he having a heart attack? _

“Mark-yah take a deep breath.” Taeyong’s trying to keep his voice calm, despite all they had just heard, despite that Mark’s breaths were getting shorter with each one. “Remember the breathing lesson we sometimes do? Let’s try that, yeah?” 

His knuckles are brushed lightly by the tips of Taeyong’s thumbs as the leader helps him count. It’s a slow process but after a few minutes he start to feel Hyuck’s hand that is rubbing circles in his back, as he comes back down into his own body. 

Johnny and Jaehyun look worried but had kept their distance. It was probably for the best. Mark knows he’d have a even harder time to calm down if he was too crowded. 

He’s so tired. So so tired. He just wants to sleep but this conversation is far from over. It’s only the evening, not night yet. 

“He threatened to go to the press.” They loathed to see their brother like he was about to fall apart. 

“It’s okay Mark. He doesn’t have anything. All he can give them are rumors.” Taeyong tries to keep him calm. 

“But you know that can be devastating enough!” Mark doesn’t want to say it, but he doesn’t want to go through what Taeyon has. He’s not sure he could take it right now. 

“Our ncitizens would know better than to listen to some random person. They love you Mark, he can’t change that.” Jaehyun adds. 

“But they don’t know all of me. At least some would hate me if they knew.” They had briefly touched on this when Mark first came out to them, but it had still been gnawing in the back of his mind.

“You have no obligation to tell them everything about you. And most of them would probably not care.” 

He knows what they are saying is true but he really doesn’t want to have to put up with the rumors either. If he’d have a choice he wouldn’t want the whole damn world to find out about his queer sexuality. It’s not as if most of them care at the moment anyway, but as soon as it gets out everyone would probably be all over it in a minute and people would know him for only that. He’s not as strong as their leader, who has been torn apart again and again over scandals.

“We’ll deal with that if he were to go through with the threat. We’d have to talk to the company about it at that point anyway.” None of them say it, but they couldn’t expect to get much of a backup from them. The silence returns, Mark focusing on his breath. 

Johnny seems to have gathered himself as he looks up at Mark. His face is serious.

_ “Do you need to go to a doctor?” _ Mark looks confused. He had told them he wasn’t that injured. Sure, he’d have bruises on his body for a considerable time, but no bones were broken.

Johnny continues in english since Mark had seen more comfortable talking about the hard parts in english rather than korean. _ “Are you hurt? I know it wasn’t today it happened but, are there any damage done to your backside or throat?” _ Johnny gives him a pointed look.

Mark gets flaming red when he figures out what they are talking about. He can’t help but wonder how much of it the korean born members understand. “_ No, no, I don’t think so. _ As much of a jerk as he was he did… _ take care of everything like that… liked to… see my body react to it, I guess. Perhaps helped him imagine I liked it as much as he did.” _

Mark feels disgusting, but he supposes that is meant to be better than something being physically wrong with him…Though physical wounds can be healed by someone else most of the time… 

Johnny nods robotically. His face is conflicted between the anger he feels at the man they had invited in to their home but also a bit relieved that there wasn’t _ more _ physical damage done than they can see. 

Then something clicks in his head. The man _ they had invited in to their home. _ And then basically gave Mark away to. Now he wants to join Taeyong in his non-stop tears. 

“_ I’m so sorry Mark.” _ The broken look back in his eyes. “ _ Oh my god, _I’m so sorry!” He looks as if he’s trying but failing at keeping it inside, words bubbling out of him. Mark shakes his head but hides his face in Donghuck’s hair. 

“It’s not your fault. You didn’t know. I didn’t tell you.” He tries to comfort Johnny in his despair but he can’t do much, energy drained out of him. 

“But you had been acting so different! We should have looked into it more!” 

Jaehyun seems to catch on to what Johnny means as he pales. “_ Fuck, _I was just talking to him, here, barely three hours ago!” Mark continues to hide his face inhaling the scent of Hyuck’s shampoo. “We didn’t even question him. How did we not see it?” 

“I didn’t want you to see it.” He doesn’t know how many minutes they sit there but after a while they had both calmed down again. 

Mark is the one to pick up the conversation again. 

“There is nothing to be done. We have nothing against him. And we can’t afford to go to trial with this. It would be impossible to predict what would happen to NCT and that is too big a risk, considering most of these cases are not brought up, let alone won, in court.” 

They take in what he said. Taeyong speaks up first. 

“Sadly that much is true. It would probably cause more trauma than good and it’s not like we can count on the company to back us up anyway.” Mark’s shoulders slump. He obviously knew it, but hearing that his tormentor will get away with everything is still devastating. Taeyong is not finished though “But that goes both ways. Have nothing but his word to spread rumors with.” 

As the conversation dies out again, Mark can feel himself leaning in to Donghyuck’s warm embrace more and more. God, he had missed sitting with the younger like this. He had missed comforting physical contact in general, since he’d been avoiding it, but Hyuck had been gone for the whole promotional period with dream. Mark had _ missed _ him, so much. And just like the night Hyuck had comforted him before he left Mark can feel the overwhelming cold inside himself disappear, replaced with the soothing touch.

* * *

Mark groans as he wakes up. If he’d been sore yesterday it was nothing compared to this. He doesn’t want to move a muscle. His whole body feels stiff. A hand comb through his hair and pulling the blanket draped over them up higher, covering more of his back. 

“Can you sleep some more or do you want to get something to eat?” 

“I don’t know if I can manage to even sit up, but I won’t sleep.” Hyuck hums in respons. Gently, more so than as if Mark been made of glass, he rearranges them so Mark is sitting up but putting his weight on Hyuck. Doyoung walks in, probably to check on them, and looks as if he’s wants to scold them in to the next century. 

“What are you two trying to do? You should have called for someone to help you!” 

“Calm down, hyung. We are just sitting up.” Doyoung huffs but he’s just as careful with Mark as Donghyuck is when they help him out in to the kitchen. 

Mark catches his own reflection in one of the windows. His neck looks like someone painted it blue and purple, as well as some spots on his cheeks. Looking down at his hands he sees that they are in a similar state. 

Breakfast is placed in front of him and they eat in an unusual silence, but it’s not uncomfortable. More like they are all trying to take in what happened yesterday. 

Taeyong looks up as if he suddenly remembers something confusing. “So wait, is this related to the break down you had in the kitchen a few weeks ago?” Mark swallows. 

“Yes, that was the… um, the _ first time _.” He sees Taeyong’s face go from questioning to horrified understanding to absolut heartbreak.

“No! God, Markie, we shouldn’t have let it go so easily! Oh Mark” he’s almost crying again “we could have helped you so much earlier.”

* * *

When their managers arrive Taeyong is over his minor break down, but then it’s their turn to almost have a heart attack at how Mark looks. He doesn’t get a say in it and is taken to the hospital. They say it’s in order to make sure nothing’s happened to his vocal cords. 

After many if and buts the managers get the whole story. 

Mark spends the following days in bed. He’s not allowed to leave the dorm. It’s for his own sake, they say he has to heal, but he suspects they don’t want him seen, don’t want a scandal. 

He spends most of his time staring at ceiling when none of the hyungs or Donghyuck have time to be with him. That’s how Jaehyun finds him when he gets home one day. 

“You know I’m sorry, right?” the singer looks confused back at Mark. 

“What could you possibly have to apologise for? We’ve told you, it doesn’t matter if you’ve lied and all that, we just want you safe, we understand.” 

“No, I know” Mark answers dully. “But I’m sorry because now they are watching us so much more closely again, like when we first debuted. And I know that has made it more difficult to meet _ her _ .” They didn’t use names on the people they didn’t want management to know about. But it was clear who he was talking about, there being only one _ her _ connected to Jaehyun. 

“Hey, none of that. Sure, I may not see her as much right now,” Mark lowers his eyes. “but that’s not because of anything you did. And even if it were, I’d take this over you being hurt any day! I know she feels the same way, she adores you.” He tries to smile at Mark. “Sometimes I almost get jealous, you know.” Mark raises an eyebrow at him. “Yeah, you should hear her. You’re like the little brother she haven’t got. She, just like all of us, are so proud of you. You are so much stronger than you think.” 

Mark can feel tears well up again even if he had promised himself he wouldn’t cry more after the first days. “If you say so. But I’m still sorry.” Jaehyun smiles. He doesn’t try to hug Mark. They had found out the hard way that only hugs from Taeil, Taeyong and Donghyuck are okay. He had finally realised it was because they were so different to Jaedong, in how they are built. None of them are taller than him, but especially Taeyong was the least stressful, with his lean build. They were slowly working on it.

“On a more positive note my bruises are disappearing so they may let me out of this prison soon.” Mark quips flatly and Jaehyun laughs. 

“Yeah, sure. But they’d probably do that soon anyway. The situation with Jaedong is almost dealt with.” Mark scrunches up his face. 

“What? They’ve almost managed to cover everything up?” Jaehyun gives him a long look. 

“Have nobody informed you? He’s been charged for assault or something, I’m not the best person to ask. Ask one of the managers.” Mark looks up at Jaehyun with wide eyes. 

“Really?”

“Yeah. Of course there is nothing mentioning sexual assault or anything but they won’t let him go completely free after this. They think they got enough to convict him. Like the report from when they too you to the hospital. You were quite battered and bruised. They’ll at least get a restraining order and if he breaks that then he’ll go away for a long time.” 

Slowly Mark realises that perhaps keeping him in here wasn’t only to save their face.

* * *

After his the rest found out about what had been going on with Mark everything changed. Quickly might be the wrong word but there was a significant difference after just a week. From one day being afraid and feeling so alone, he would now never have to see Jaedong again and the man would never be allowed near him because his family was there for him.

He finds that them just knowing about it makes everything easier. Especially since they adapt so naturally to what he needs. 

The usual arms thrown around him are replaced with open arms, invitations, which are his choice accept or reject. 

Doyoung had even sat him down to talk.

“And about what you said about breaking up with him. You won’t have to always be alone. You’ll find someone, and even in this situation it’s never impossible to date." Mark looks up and smiles slightly. "Just look at-”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m going to be honest and say that I really had trouble to see how I could end this happily but I think this was acceptable. I tried to give it a hopeful ending but I also wanted it to be a realistic one. I hope it was worth the wait!
> 
> (I realised that parts of this can sound quite anti-shipping or something, which was not my intention, since it would be quite hypocritical of me. But I just feel that shipping real people need to be handled differently than fictional characters, since it can real consequences for people. Most obviously that it shouldn’t be forced on the persons in question.)
> 
> Wow, this is now finished! What started as 5 page idea turned into a 66 page fanfic! Thank you for all you wonderful people who stayed with me throughout this roller coaster, whether you've read it while I've been updating or if you read it when it's finished <3
> 
> If anyone wants to talk you can find me at u_127dream_wayv on twitter ^^


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